su ann leaves tomorrow.
spent the morning in the brutally scorching sun playing soccer. then rushed back home to change and all to meet ms heng su ann , yvonne lim , jasmine lim and christopher. heh he's quite a nice guy although there were quite a few moments where we were kinda like on a wrong frequency. he kept hinting that he 'goes both ways'. i feel something's wrong. get what i mean?
so su ann leaves tomorrow. im still amazed at how her face hasnt changed since the times i saw her at the SAFRA( now NSRCC) range. oh and we had a really funky aneh cabbie on the way back. he was like some professional stunt driver or something. yea , su ann said neh neh or something and he said eh you cannot use the word neh around with me. hahah. hilarious bugger.
im gonna be sending su ann off at the airport tomorrow. then perhaps ill be studying for awhile with yvonne at the airport then im gonna start my first science tuition lesson. hope i can get along with this teacher. the only teacher i ever got along with was jason. and i truly learnt nothing from him at all.
spare the rod and spoil the child. damn , i really need a fag now. ive abstained the entire day already.
-whateva- day
it is very disturbing to know that there are certain people who love to talk but they don't walk the talk. get what i mean? this dimwit called -whateva- tagged my board and asked me if i was a retainee. he/she asked it in a very demeaning manner. it just irks me that he or she has not the guts to leave their real name behind. in all the glory of our past scientific experiments , -whateva- has gone to the extremes to prove that retarded
homo sapiens still live on. -whateva- is a really dumb and breathing testament to that.
honestly, if you ask me. i have no issues on getting retained. i met great people and great teachers. i met great friends and i learnt alot. so -whateva- i am seriously unaffected by your comments. another matter , i am concerned about your poor spelling and lousy grammar. as a token of my generosity , i would gladly help you out in the basic spelling of the english language. it would be disgraceful toward your parents for seeing you through so many years of education and you , (not the brightest one i must add) would still not know how to spell the simplest of words. if you have received secondary school education , i must say. you might be laterally transfered or retained if your command of the english language does not improve. i am willing to help you with your weak grasp on the language. but i would greatly appreciate if you leave your real name behind when you tag. or perhaps you are a student of saint hilda's secondary school since you admitted to seeing me around. why dont you come up to my face and tell me who you are and we can have a nice chat. till then , i suggest that you should get the following books. 'Spelling for Kids aged 1-3' , 'Grammar for Kids aged 1-3' and 'An Idiot's guide to being intelligent'.
meanwhile, take care. punk.
nothing can taste sweeter than a beer
its the holidays already. i dont extremely happy tho. right now im just chilling at home and i think i will be for the entire day. listening to hotel california at the moment. i remember all the debates on whether it was about addiction , satanism or drugs. silly times.
ive kinda realised that the more we think something is the way we think it is and we suspect and formulate what that something really is. that something is actually nothing. get what i mean?
hey ms heng su ann. welcome back to spore!
ahh. i really dont have any mood to blog. my brain feels dead and i just feel like getting wasted. i cant help it. i think its my mother thats depressing me not the books , not the bottle , not the ciggarettes. i dont know.
nothing can dampen the rage within me now
mom is so sad over the whole damn thing. fuck , this isnt what i wanted. what kinda son am i , i feel just plain awful inside. this is really bringing the whole family down. i feel the urge to reach for the bottle again.
tomorrow's the last day of school. i just hope tomorrow's meeting with mrs sng will turn out fine.
a series of unfortunate events by joel heng
today was supposed to be a great day. liverpool had won the match like real champions with skill, determination and pure sweat. i was supposed to leave school at 9. so after attending an hour in school , i went to the general office to leave early. the minute i approached mrs yeoh to ask for the call to my mom to be made. she says 'you smell of ciggarette smoke. why?' and then a big hoohah with mrs mcgrath using the smokerlyser or liser. so i got tested positive for nicotine. like what the fuck. i was also into deep shit with all my absentism and all. fucking hell , that bastard is really one bad motherfucking jinx. i got caned and mr kwok was saying like he didn't hit me hard because i am a good kid and all. he seemed so nice about it but so what. FUCK ALL OF YOU! had a chat with mrs sng after my caning and she went on and on about how she had already spoken to me earlier last term and blah blah. shane kwok happily chirped in that i was drinking too and heavilly. reuben was fucking right. its that bitch who seems so friendly and pretends to be my confidante. FUCK YOU CAROLINE WONG! im never gonna trust you again , you lying cajoling two faced twisted bitch! even satan would be afraid of your manipulation , slut. mom has to go down tomorrow to see mrs sng and i feel fucking awful. i feel terrible that i had to make her do such a thing on the fucking LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! im really sorry mom and i love you.
my only consolation would be the totally headbanging track we came out with today. there are no lyrics at the moment but soon. ill come up with some kickass lyrics. our intro has the influences of black sabbath's children of the grave and then it sounds really pantera-ish. looks like dimebag abott's guitar playing has magically transferred to my chinese fingers. then reuben's riff for the verses is totally wild headbanging stuff. like he's said its the best track ever. till i copyright it. no one's gonna hear it. hahah , its THAT precious.
rammstein - engel (english ed) lyrics
RAMMSTEIN - Engel (English Version) Lyrics
Live in virtue, no desire
In the grave an angel's choir
You look to heaven and wonder why
No one can see them in the sky
Just as the clouds have gone to sleep
Angels can be seen in heaven's keep
Alone in fear they question why
Goddamn not an angel when I die
Angels live, they never die
Apart from us, behind the sky
They're fading souls who've turned to ice
So ashen white in paradise
Just as the clouds have gone to sleep
Angels can be seen in heaven's keep
Alone in fear they question why
Goddamn not an angel when I die
Goddamn an angel when I die
Heaven must be hell in the sky
suay pok day.
oh i kinda realised that they're alot of spelling and grammatical errors in the previous post about hamsters. i was sort of headbanging to rammstein's du hast and amerika. fucking headbanging stuff even though i had not a single clue about what du hast was about. it could have been german for , 'look at that silly chinese boy headbanging to my song. hoo ha , hoo ha'. i really wouldnt know.
suay pok day - 24th may 2005
all the suayness (or unfortunate events) took place after seeing some relation to a very jinxed up family of motherfuckers. what happened? let me see. my sixth and fifth guitar strings snapped just 10 minutes apart from the other. my hamsters fought and i got bitten. couldnt sleep and watched tv the entire morning and as a result i woke up late. got into a little tiff with my grandmother about her cooking. thank goodness we beat the sec5 soccer team. honestly , no kick lah.
teeth sharpening , horny , violent but yet so adorable.
my hamsters have declared war on one another. apparently , the male one tried to mate or something like that and that pissed off my female one. pissed her off so bad to the extent she nearly chewed his hand or paw or whatever its called off. and as usual in my attempted garang-ness to separate the both of them got bitten. it wasnt really painful but it was enough to make me shout some a very famous four letter word out. so i separated the two of them , leaving them in two separate cages that are side by side. heh kinda like the fighting fish style. the two transparent walls of the tank facing one another. and it seems my goodwill cannot be interpreted by these simple animals. the second attacking of their heart broken master who was so torn at having to separate the two of them happened just twenty minutes ago. i tried to put them back together. i had thought that since they were separated for sometime already , their little sexual harassment dispute would have been forgotten. it seems hamsters have really good memory and a really large appetite for vengeance , like a sicilian. (mario puzo's entire collection on the corleone family - i have got to get!) they started fighting again. once the female one's feet touched the yellow sawdust , they started fighting like savage beasts of the african desert plains again , almost immediately. and i had to pull them away and as a result of my kindness and gratitude. i got bitter again , this time on the thumb. i yelled out a hokkien expletive ever so famous for describing the female genitial organ.
perhaps the hamsters are just turning along in the constant wheel of sexuality. the growing sperm in the male just have to be let out and since their paws or hands cannot reach for its penis and thus it is unable to masturbate the only way it can relieve its sexual hunger would be to grab his mate and just shag away. and the female just displayed its killer ferocity in having its body humiliated. so whats new guys? guy gets horny , tries to pull something off and gets slapped in the end. now , this is one of the times where i appreciate the law and the fact that im not a hamster. i really cannot imagine life if we humans lived like these hamsters. but yet again , my hands can reach down to my penis and wank away so , heh. lucky me.
vesak day holiday
today's the vesak day holiday. not much of a holiday , really. i've been on holiday since last wed which adds up to a total of 6 days. close to a week. so these 6 days of bumming around haven't exactly been really productive. really haven't done much. back to school tmr. to kick some butt in soccer. playing against some sec5 team. talking about school , ma has started to get me tuitiont teachers. bloody hell , im gonna have english , poa , maths and science tuition. if i don't crack under all the long tuition hours i must be real sick in the head. came up with a riff today. i've realised my guitar playing is really slayer-ish. like death metal kinda stuff. totally not what i want to sound like.
all right im off to watch showtime. eddie murphy is the funniest ever. cheers!
to my dearest baba , mango toilet cleaner : you are very welcome. hope your results turn out fine and i really hope to talk to you soon. :) take care yea?
the first of possibly many more entries about the bitch called mdm wong.
this will be the probably the first of many more entries regarding my english teacher. her name is mdm caroline wong and she teaches (or rather i school at) st hilda's seconday school. i used to think her lessons were really quite cool but i think it was because english was the only subject that i could do well in. like a ego boosting kinda thing i guess. she seemed quite nice to me. she never exactly picked on me for ear sticks that kinda thing , she even didnt really mind my labret & tongue piercings and all. its just that recently she has been quite the bitch. one assembly about two weeks ago , i was in the toilet giving the toilet bowl a nice bombing. without my knowledge , she took my bag to her office. and when i got down to the parade square to get my bag to go for my physics paper. i was redirected to the hod room by my classmates. my mind was going like 'what the fuck. i know she knew that i smoked but was she trying to catch me with evidence or something?' so i went to the hod staff room and asked her politely for my bag. she gave me that really silly looking act fierce look and told me to get a late coming slip. let me shed some light again on the expressive vocabulary my brain was churning up with. 'what the flying fuck. im fucking not late. what the fuck is she trying to do?' it gets better. i couldnt find the discipline master , me teh chai huat who is actually quite a nice guy. so she sends me down to the general office to get the late coming slip anyway. she's storming along the corridor. im thinking 'what the fuck. who should be the one who's mad.' so i get the form anyway and nearly report late for my physics paper.
how unreasonable can someone be? i'll bet anyone without good logical thinking that if i had raised this matter to high authorities she would get into deep shit. and last but not least , the incident that sparked this matter off. the exams are over right , so im just chilling at home. i haven't gone to school for like 3 days and since shawn tells me my results anyway whats the point right. then apparently there was some cock up in the english paper. and everybody's marks got raised. shawn asked her if he could check my paper. basically , he understands that i need every last mark available for grabbing and arguing for so he asked mdm wong to let him check the paper. she refused him with the reason. 'those who didn't come don't have to check' when shawn told me about this i was just fucking plain pissed. she knows how important my english is to me. she knew but she didnt give a fuck.
oh bloody hell. im sure everyone has had a crappy teacher. fuck , thats life eh? nothing's the exact way you want it to be.
drink and forget.
i just realised that ive kinda like been blogging every single day. now , that really is kinda rare. i guess its just the holidays. after tomorrow i really doubt if there'll be a new entry on a weekly basis. the schooling life is so hectic. or at least it is to me. then there's the o levels coming up in just a few months time. it feels like every breath i take is getting heavier and heavier. there is so much expected of me and so little i am doing. they say you get stress from studying. hell , im getting stress by not studying. i need to find some sort of release. drinking helps but it just doesnt make things any better than the way it originally was. i remember gaby made everything just seem right. for example , when i was going through rough patches in the volleyball team. she was always there to hear me curse and whine. like she really helped with the problem , not the kinda help booze gives even though the high makes me forget the stress just for a few hours. those few hours matter so much to me.
another way that ive found that really helped me with getting through all the rough times was listening to music and writing poetry. during the period of my parent's separation , i only had one cd to listen on that crappy discman for like over a year? and it was finch's what it is to burn. thank you haziq for recomending that band to me. it helped me out so much. after that was my birthday gift from sherlyn wong. it was a clay aiken cd. hey although his songs are so crappy. i remember there were times when i felt so dejected and his song invisible or invincible was what kept my head up. that maybe there was still some hope left in a certain her. writing poetry i must say , is the most therapeutic remedy next to watching hamsters eat. i have no idea what kind of emotional down i would be in now if not for writing poetry. i wrote poems about gaby , gillian , some bastards , my mom - nearly every single thing that stayed on my mind long enough.
oh and blogging helps too. (:
console or contradict.
people do very stupid things while they're drunk. im a living testament to that. i had no fucking idea what i was doing , i just wanted more & more. it was like my mind was driven by just that simple purpose. i wasn't thinking. hell , i really wasn't thinking straight. i guess i'll never look at you with the same respect i had for you before eh? same for you to me. im sorry and i seriously never thought things would turn out this way. lets both forget as much as we can all right? im bloody sorry.
sometimes we say things that can never be taken back,and we do certain things that never add up to the facts.apologies dont ease the shame that the sea & sand feel,but i believe that all pain in good time will eventually heal.
machperson kopitiam porridge.
i am staring at the monitor with a bowl of steaming , half eaten macpherson road kopitiam porridge beside me , salivating (okay not really.) for a bourbon coke and thinking about things. well mom , is real pissed at me. firstly , things sparked off when i brought home a pint of king's castle scotch whiskey home yesterday. she was so pissed she didnt even tell me goodnight when i told her. secondly , i sent my friend home today after having quite a number of beers and i had to take a cab back. so i asked her politely whether she could pay for me first and that i would pay her back. she's so freaking pissed with me that she just kept saying. where's the old joel? i so wanted to shout at her. back at ubi with a father and a mother , a real family!
guess i could not. i can't blame her for all the shit ive been through , it just doesnt feel right la. my mom has been the greatest mom ever these years and i cant be that rude. she deserves better. she's been with me through so much shit. getting together with gaby , breaking up. volleyball woes , smoking and drinking addiction , counselling. she has been there for me so many times i just can't answer her back. actually , i kinda did la. i was playing metallica's fade to black and singing the lyrics to her. guess i was kinda high already then. im sorry but she'll never know. i'll never let her and i just cant tell her how much i love her.
hey weiting , thanks so much for helping me out yea? although you couldnt come today , thanks anyway for always trying to be there for me. take good care now and rest well. i love you , you stupid baba , peach wine farmer , ass shaking national disgrace and bimbo hater. you would never know how many times you've been there when i felt like giving it all up. thanks yea?metallica - fade to blacklife it seems, will fade away. drifting further every day. getting lost within myself , nothing matters no one else. i have lost the will to live , simply nothing more to give.there is nothing more for me , need the end to set me free.things are not what they used to be missing one inside of me.deathly lost, this can't be real. cannot stand this hell i feel. emptiness is filing me. to the point of agony. growing darkness taking dawn i was me, but now he's gone .no one but me can save myself , but it's too late.now I can't think, think why I should even try. yesterday seems as though it never existed. death greets me warm , now I will just say good-bye.
so where is the meaning in living for the bottle?
i admit i am an alcoholic. i drink as much as i can to forget everything and just be contented for that few hours in my intoxicated state. my mom nags and nags at me. in hope that i will kick the bottle. i don't see why i should quit and i don't understand why people want me to quit. if they really care so much. just leave me to drink. i'll be happier that way and i'll be content. isn't that all that should matter to you if you really care about me? i know of all the long term effects that drinking brings. liver damage , brain damage , uncontrolled shaking etc. i really don't care anymore. its not that my life is that depressing. i just like to get wasted , is that so hard to understand?
it's an uphill battle in this country where the system is developed to break people down to allow its unwilling participants to achieve the best that can be achieved. its a system that is based on merit and certificates. that is the system that we live in now. whatever happened to nobility and the ever important morals in life that as a child had been impounded into us? the system makes us into perfect people , educated over achievers that live to earn more money and attain that new car or condominum. we live in a society driven by greed and status.
not everyone is perfect. you aren't and neither am i. im not saying that we should not improve ourselves. im just disgusted by the society that we live in. remember the phrase 'when you reach the top of the ladder , the only way to move on is down' ? how true. look at us. smartest and most intelligent of all creatures on earth. what have we
homo sapiens become?
id rather live in the old times of fire breathing dragons and valiant knights who save the day. oh perhaps this craze is to do with watching the lords of the rings trilogy. its a beautiful tale in a beautiful world. death means as much as your riches attained. its nothing. only nobility matters.
