FIGHTING MYSELF

Spent the day sleeping at home. If not for her dragging me out to do work at Kallang KFC, I would have spent it half dazed, starring at a greyish ceiling, pondering on the importance of life.

And so the question brims, what is the importance of life? This meaningless subdivision of existence that boils down to the unimportant sanctity of one's soul, karma and whatever brain fucked culture, civilisation bullshit.

Our human existence is one running out of it's very resources. We are a self-imploding blob of living organisms too dependent on one another.

Kill. Kill. Kill.

posted by JOEL @ 11:19 PM 0 comments

It feels like a train you can't hold on to. I wanna slow down but my hands don't follow my heart. Lord knows I care and I know you do. But it's like a crossword puzzle that doesn't match the answers. I know what's coming I already do. And I don't know if we can take it. So blinded.

posted by JOEL @ 3:27 AM 0 comments

So the colours, they're fading into the sunrise;
Along with you and the night.
Watch my eyes bleed the anxiety,
Watch it gush away like flame to the fray.

Heartfelt emotions, that bittersweet aftertaste;
That lingered on, in a wretched assembly.
As they watched on to see me crumble.
Down to my very knees from all the repulsion.

What is this crippling state?
When even my words fail to dignify the hurt you rained.
I'm lost in a pattern of thoughts, colourless.
It's just a grey, it's just a grey.

posted by JOEL @ 6:09 PM 0 comments

Hmmm, eventful couple of days. 'Eventful' being the primary conspiracy. I just sat on my ass, running around, taking jumping shots with Jon and bunch, drinking, going to Deus Ex's album launch way way too late, drinking myself silly.

And I have not completed the work I set out to do 3 weeks ago.

That's how much I need people to slap my hand around and tell me what to do. Damn it, I'm like a child.

I love camwhoring with the Matrapes(Or The Pioneers) because it is bloody fun doing jumping shots, kicking in the air, posing at random places, acting like some anti-establishment teen rebel guerilla, acting gay, talking cock, friendly flirting and most simply enjoying myself.

And I love the feeling of flying. From about 2 or 3 stories, I flew down to the ground. That few seconds of my fear mixed with my adrenaline in a bloody gush of suicidal rage. That feeling cannot be compared. It's a high only after you hit the floor in worried anticipation of what to come.

Sometimes you don't need to see to feel, to know to understand.

That feeling of not knowing what next, of taking that downward plunge into something you barely can see, that you barely know.

I can't wait for the other pics from that night to be done. After hurting my left heel from all the rough landings, I seriously cannot wait for them. I am a friendster whore, is it wrong? I blame my friends who are good photographers.

Empower.

posted by JOEL @ 5:57 PM 0 comments

Indie music overload! I likeeee.

Today's camwhoring session okay-okay only. Not exactly very productive being late. Fun though, taking jumping shots. I have one really awesome Bruce Lee Kungpow Chicken meets Shaolin Fist of Terriyaki Beef picture. I likeee. It's on friendster.

I just finished another bottle of wine, playing the guitar singing out loud waking up the Dad.

You are the sun, you are the only one.
My heart is blue, my heart is blue for you.
Be my, be my.
Be my little rock and roll queen.

posted by JOEL @ 1:18 AM 0 comments

I have always wondered what my guitarists feel like when they write a song. And now I finally know. TGIF's first song is up, very painfully written. I think the best way to write a song is really from the very emotion itself.

Just back from KFC Kallang with Jon & Syl. Hours of wasted drawing, laughing and bitching about how good their work is. Fuck, the thought of just leaving LaSalle is weighing ever so heavilly on top of the other burdens I have to carry.

School workload is tremendous. The 3D projects are enough to suffocate my very futile existence. I have a favourite teacher already! Her name is Seck. She is old, very old and very very caring and nice. Or do I still have my aunty-killer charm?

Tomorrow is camwhoring with the matrapes. My theme for tomorrow! MATRAPE! And Awool is going to be some kvlt metalhead. I am going to laugh my balls off. Jon and Matt both going Indie and I don't know about the rest. 'Winston Chong' signs off. :)

Leave behind a trail ever so significant.
Make me follow and stumble over my feet once again.
Let's go.

posted by JOEL @ 12:45 AM 0 comments

Been watching alot of shows recently that keep saying something like I love someone by getting together with someone else or I love someone by hating that person.


Tragedy.

This dimless emotion, the bottomless pit of misery.
A wordless poem that will describe it's very desolating desire.
Constant yet never moving, an object of fearless fixation.
Crawling, deep within. Begging for recognition.

Oh how brave I was, to throw it all aside.
Just in the name of glorious love, selfless.
Oh how far I've fallen, I barely see the sky of this hole.
Oh how cruel your words can be, you should have been a poet.

Breaking it's very structure.
Thank you for everything.

Let me betray myself,
Just be happy with whoever you shall be with.

Let me punch myself senseless,
and vomit the remnants of my walking lifeless being.

posted by JOEL @ 2:27 AM 0 comments

Adoration Begets Tragedy.

Trapped in this endlessly blurring grey,
it's vague in comprehension yet it feels so strong in direction.
It feels like I've been fold, blind,
And I just turn and walk straight into blunder and blunder.

The pictures don't help at all,
It feel liks a scar ripping open time after time.
When I stare into your labrynithical eyes,
I feel lost and secluded from all the running.

A homely feeling that will allow no indigestion,
soon I'm on my feet again.
Adoration begets tragedy and the petals of the flower are dying,
A senseless high, I wreak upon myself. I feel myself trying.

To no avail, I wish I could watch the night go by.
Without your face appearing to me again,
Like a ghost, like a bad dream that cannot change.
Like a permanent fixture in dementia's obsoletion.

posted by JOEL @ 12:15 AM 0 comments

I cannot believe how fucking small the world is. Jon's friend Ben is Sherlyn Wong(SHSS)'s cousin. Then Jon's other friend Andrew was my classmate in Maris Stella. It's like, WOAH! How small can Singapore get man, the next thing you know the auntie selling food at the canteen is related to me also. I am so sick of that conincidental feeling already.

Is it weird to say that I absolutely love my school friends? Somehow this new change is definitely welcomed with a great big hug. There are people like Jon whom I can talk cock sing ahbeng songs with, to people like Sukmal that really is just like me, to people like Fizah who cannot stop making me laugh, to people like Sylvia that really is like a mother/auntie/joker all rolled in one. How do I put it? It feels like a sense of completion, strange enough. Aiyah, I very loserkid one.

I think everything's taking a new turn. I haven't heard any metal tracks (besides Metallica at Andrew's place just now) for way too long. And it just bores me when I want to click on the Behemoth or the Vital Remains. It's so loud, so angry and so so funny to hear. Everything that has been going through the ears are TBS and Tokyo Ska Paradise and Lush 99.5FM. I likeee.

And..

I am absolutely sick of seeing the very act of pretense. It's like, do you even fucking feel a thing? Is it very glam to pretend? Oh screw yourself, you know what you do and what you do best. And it's kinda pissing me off. How does someone's value from major big time buddy to someone who disgusts and just irks you?

You are beyond comprehension, this is.

posted by JOEL @ 12:28 AM 0 comments

I don't know what I feel now.

I just want to bring you down so badly so you'll know.

I wrote another song for you. Not that it'll mean a single fucking thing to you. You're cold beyond stone.

I just want to bring you down so badly, in the worst fucking way.

I have gone psycho.

posted by JOEL @ 2:50 AM 0 comments

Yesterday blogspot fucked up and my entire dont know how long but very long entry was gone. To cut things short, this is the moral of the story- Live and Let Die, Give and don't try, Feel and you will cry.

Complicated but don't ask me to retype the entire thing again. I just feel too lazy.

I intended to wake up today at around 11 to do my 3D projects. Well, it's 730PM now and I haven't even started. All day spent watching the telly and eating duck and apple strudel.

Everybody's out celebrating Kim's birthday. So major event like that. I shall rot my living madness away at home and pray that I will eventually get out this couch and start doing my 3D shit.


I don't give a fuck about what you do. Go fuck off and live your masochistic morbid fantasies with someone else. Really, I care for you as much as I would for a fucking dead toad. Not much for you to figure out.

posted by JOEL @ 7:26 PM 0 comments

It's complicated I guess. Your issues. I guess you will already know the answer. The voice of your consciousness screaming out in desparation, that's the one. It's weird to tell you what to do, what I think is the right choice. It's just freaking weird. And besides I know you as someone who knows what she wants, when she wants. I rest my case, your honor.

So today after school, Sylvia, Glendon and myself headed to Suntec to watch a movie. Perfectly aware that the three of us were terrified of horror movies, we went to watch Ghost Game, intentionally. It was so cute can, the three of us covering our eyes as the movie reaches it's 'horror' climax. Great movie with a killer beginning and a really yawning boring end.

School today was super fun! Scary Mary isn't that bad after all lah. Even though I've not gone for a single one of her classes except for today. She was so cool. Like witty, making intelligent remarks that totally catergorize us as a whole and totally discriminating the stereotypical Asian culture- The timid and shy parts. And for Fizah! If you're happy and you know it, bang your heads. BANG BANG. If you're happy and you know it, bang your head! BANG BANG!

Back from a mini-drinking session with Jon(The Promising Local Comedian) and Sukmal(The Promising Local Indie Music Talent). What to say lah, fun. Secondary school memories bring back that nostalgic feel better than anything else. I don't miss my past though..

What else should I say? It's 3 and I have a lecture in 7 hours. I am probably going hungover and totally bummed. Then it's Research shit in the library till 2.30 noon. Then it's off to Sylvia's to do 3D project shit and then drink drink drink!

I wish I could answer your questions, I wish I knew the way you feel.
But the way you feel inside, isn't the one you told me about.
I wish I could solve all your problems and cast all those worries aside,
and I know I can't so please. Stick with your pride.

posted by JOEL @ 3:09 AM 0 comments

A whole lot of issues are on my mind. I can't even begin a list to remind myself of this pathetically underachieved and senseless day. I can't even think about the stuff, I just want to run away. Run away to somewhere where nobody will know, where I find new friends, new people to belong to, new groups, new activities. I just need to keep my eyes off everything you are doing now. It's like an pouring chunks of salt down a gaping wound? You know? It tears me up more than you know, more than you will ever understand.

I wish I could say that you will regret this that you don't know what you're missing out. I really wish I could just spit in your face and walk away from it all. That was the original intention but I just can't bear to. Sister or lover, I don't know. This feeling is beyond comprehension anymore. From a definite innocent feeling it has now become a crazed paranoia manufactured from the very deprivation itself.

I have turned into a creature from beyond my wildest imaginations. The countless suggestions, the endless worries and that undying hate that I try so hard to mask. It kills me more and more, it dements my very character. The very happiness that I strived so hard to achieve, it is dying right in front of me and there is nothing more that I can do than to just pray that I will forget it all someday.

And somehow my fears have come true. I lost that special friend. I risked the girl, I risked the friends and I lost nothing like that but the very friendship that was once so dear to me. So untainted.

Well, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish by what you've been doing recently. I really don't. Revenge? I don't know and I don't want to. Just do what you must and be happy with it. I just hope you don't swallow, just spit.

posted by JOEL @ 1:22 AM 0 comments

Just put down those puppet strings and cry all your anger out. That's if what you told me was true. I might have been high but I remember everything you say/said.

Anyway onward to happier thoughts. Yesterday, Vans, Fizah, Shah, Amanda, Ben and I went sheesha-ing the other day. Watched this really hilarious colour-racist movie called 'Undercover Brother' and another movie that I can't remember the name. I absolutely love the bunch of really funny people. And Fizah is the champion of knocking her head on the shelf 6times. All at the same angle, spot and position. Power!

After sheesha was off to collect Aggy's bass and then to jamming. Hmm, I don't know how to put it. Just a really dry and awkward feeling lah. Like Bitterlemons.

The other Joel keeps pressing me to join his band. Seriously, you know when someone tries too hard? That's the vibe.

On to today. Woke up exactly on time for class. At 12. Cabbed down, spent 10 bucks on lousy customer service and I can't say much except that if not my poor attendance I wouldn't have gone at all. Context lecture was uber intersting. I really don't mind majoring in it for the fun of it, really.

And after all that I'm back home with a overloaded mind full of depressing thoughts and I am seriously considering taking a sip or two from the Black Label bottle that is already halved from all the recent repercussions.

Worst of all.

I'm sick. Cough, fever and flu. So fucking lethargic all the time and the nose keeps dripping. God knows how long more I can take it. I just hope to last the weekend. Many plans with the classmates.

Okay, gonna KO for a couple of hours then back up to do fucking 3D assignments. Currently the least enjoyed class.

posted by JOEL @ 8:16 PM 0 comments

So I'm back from Thailand! 3 days of absolutely mad shopping and I tell you Thailand IS THE PLACE to shop. For me lah, anyway. But one thing is for sure, I hate the cigarettes and the girls. Some are pretty and stuff but really lah generally the girls aren't the kind I would give a 2nd look. Not that I am Brad Pitt in the making or what but I just don't fancy them much.

Bought this really tapered pair of pants that I absolutely love. I swear I will be a chin-mat and get stared and gossiped at but I don't give a shit. I just love it. It really feels like my secondary school one. Yes, I do think that tapered pants if not overly done, looks good.

Bought alot of tees, another pair of 'Levi's', Vans sneakers, 'Ray Ban' shades(The squarish ones, fuck aviator's. I'm just not meant to wear one.) and spent the rest on food! Really, from eating about one and a half meal a day to eating like four or 5 in a day. It is killing me, I keep wanting to throw up every now and then.

Just back from hanging out with the band and others. You will be surprised how much fun a bottle can bring you when you are dead bored.

To school tomorrow, without my 3D project due from last week done and without my prepatory work for tomorrow's Printmaking class. I feel like a horse dick is up my arse already. Haha, horse dicks are fucking brutal and killer. Horses and Humans are just not meant to fuck. Down with Animal Porn!

And I think I should just stab myself right in the heart(the emotional one, relax.). *drumroll* SuperEmoJo!

posted by JOEL @ 12:34 AM 0 comments

Skipped school again. I seriously think I am gonna 'kenna' jialat jialat soon. 5 times in less than two weeks, plus this Friday I have to skip again. Ahh, fuck it.

Met Hui Min at Bugis for a short bit today. Happy Birthday! Sadly, Sham is at work. Then off to keep fit with Eric and Ifran. Wah, I really feel like a sore nipple now. Don't blame the description, I really feel that way. Every part of my body is aching, every single part. Except for the genitals of course.

I have to finish my 3D project, Meshframe Design and god knows what else they did today by latest Thursday. Busy busy busy.

Bangkok on Friday! I see it all there. Retail therapy, Booze therapy, Currency Abuse Therapy. What more could you ask for, really.

posted by JOEL @ 11:37 PM 0 comments

Back from soccer with the 5A group again, this time with an addition of Singapore's top BMX biker, Danny. I actually owe him money and thank god he has totally forgotten about it.

Met up with Leslie for just a short chat. It's really sad to hear that our very precious TCP is now officially defunct. With only the two former members left. It's surprising, really. I never ever thought that me and Reuben would ever have a tiff. 'Cos we always apologise and we always forgave each other. Worst, Mr Shawn s/o Subramaniam. My Dota partner, chemistry teacher, poa teacher, maths teacher always pangseh. What on earth is happening to little simple things like friendship!

At least, Leslie's still there. We talked about everything under the sun. We still have the blunt honesty and that 'openness' as ever. Aiyah, and to think we were once love rivals. Hahah, and he's most probably the only one left now that I can say any damn thing I want to say to and not worry about the consequences.

Got this off 8mm, the movie. 'When you dance with the devil. You don't change the devil, he changes you.'

Happy Birthday Hui Min and Sham! Have a good good one guys!

posted by JOEL @ 12:20 AM 0 comments

the argh-ness

I shall just let it eat away at me;
the guilt, the dreams and the shame.

I would try so hard only to let this gloom hang over us.
I would give it all only to lose 'us'.
I'm tired of fighting the rules, tired of putting hope into the very thing that you hate.
I'm broken but I will be mended.
I'm torn and it's a world away from being hurt by someone.
To give up on the one thing that brought me so much happiness, wishes and purpose.
To give up on the very last real thing that's left to feel.
To give up when you know you're right for once.

This is my little sacrifice to make your special day a little more special.

I don't want to fight you, I cannot bear to. If this will help you and the rest then it shall be best.

If it makes you feel a little easier inside, like a problem solved then thats what I want to make happen.

And I already hear you rejoicing, him too. Regardless of what you say, I'd believe you rather this never happened at all. So I shall say 'our' long goodbye in a way so short and sweet and so effortless.

Be happy with whatever choice you make. And keep that smile going.

posted by JOEL @ 11:59 PM 0 comments

agarny

I don't know what to do. I'm so far in it doesn't even help to know which way to go. It feels so right but you think it's wrong. For once, I know that I'm on a right path but you don't agree.

You have to understand, that I will probably never ever feel this way again. You have that ability to hurt me more than anything else could, you hold that warmness inside of me. You have to understand that I never wanted to see us in our current state, this pathetic false excuse for our friendship. But I know if not, I'll never see you again. I'll never know, I'll just be living a lie. I am not some mechanical creature that can Ctrl Alt Del, I can't. I can't bury this parasite that's growing inside of me. I feel more than ever every single day.

I know you will hate me for this. I swear if I could make things easier for you, I really would. I can but at the same time I just can't. Hate me if it makes you feel better.

I will try to forget. But the harder I try, I remember more than I'd like to forget.

Please understand.

posted by JOEL @ 12:48 PM 0 comments

Taking Back Sunday - This Photograph is Proof ( I Know You Know)

Well, I'll wait till you listen,I wont say a word.
To follow your instincts just never worked for me you're silent but strong, (yeah, I'm playing that card) and you're noticing nothing again .

Now I'm lying on the table with everything you said.
Keep that in mind the way that it felt, when the most I could do was to just blame myself.

And I know you know, everything I know you didn't mean it.
I know you didn't mean it

I know you know, everything (drop everything) I know you didn't mean it (start it all over) I know you didn't mean it (remember more then you'd like to forget.)

So, we're talking forever and you almost feel better but;better's no excuse for tonight you see,
It's never bad enough to just leave or give up but, its never good enough to feel right.

Now I'm lying on the table with everything you said.
It will all catch up eventually well, it caught up and honestly the weight of my decisions were impossible to hold;
But they were never yours, they were never yours.

Well I, know you know, everything.
I know you didn't mean it, I know you didn't mean it.
I know you know, everything (drop everything) I know you didn't mean it (start it all over) I know you didn't mean it (remember more then you'd like to forget.

Drop everything, start it all over.
Remember more then youd like to forget.

Would you like to forget, would you like to forget?
Drop everything, start it all over well, drop everything start it all over (would you like to forget) drop everything. Start it all over, start it all.

Well I, know you know, everything I know you didn't mean it.
I know you didn't mean it, I know you know, everything (drop everything) I know you didn't mean it (start it all over) I know you didn't mean it (remember more then you'd like to forget.)

posted by JOEL @ 12:21 PM 0 comments

I think I must be stupid, because I don't understand the word NO. I mean yes, you say no if you don't wanna fuck or if you don't feel like eating but.. How do you say no to something for example a traffic light. There is a 50% chance things will turn you way and yet again another 50% that the bloody thing will just crank up and die right there.

How do you say N-O, NO to something that obviously does not operate by a logical system?

Look girl, I really do like you. I fucking swear I will be struck by lightning tomorrow if I don't. It's fine by me if you think things will never work out, I've gotten that alot before but you just don't say NO. Maybe you are that naive to believe that you will never ever have any feelings for me except for that brotherly shit but hell, you can't predict the next 5 years and you can't tell if things will ever change. Seriously, I know I'm high now but you will not read an apology for this post. I think as much as you can tell me that you don't like me and stuff. I have as much right to say it straight blank in your face that I can love you anyway I want. Silently wishing or outright in your face embarassing. The ball's not in my court and(Thank you Pearlyn for the pretty long talk on self preservation and cruelty or realism) I know it. I for sure know it but I am still putting all I have on the line. Lemme change what I said that day okay. I don't fucking care now if I'll never ever ever talk to you again or if we never get to meet up again. I am at that point of desperation and I am at that point of self preservation(Very ironically but thank you Per.) that I just want to preserve this little innocence or rather this 'trueness' that I feel left inside. I told you before, I have never felt this way in the last like 3 years? Only for Gillian, have I ever felt this crazyness. This madness that they so ironically call love. And I don't care, I really don't of what happens to this group anymore. I am putting this on the line, will you walk with me down this very narrow line and just close your eyes. Can you, will you?

If you want an explanation for all the things I've done. There's only one. I love you and I'll be very honest. The word love scares me, it scares me because there is an indefinite boundary of crossless lines and unsaid expectations. But I am willing to cross those lines and fufill those expectations. And I'll be frank, it hurts when I see you with him more than ever. Why don't you depend on me? Even if not for a simple excuse or some menial task? Why, really? No big lines or descriptive terms. That is that, it hurts and it hurts. Fullstop.


If never be the thoughts of a person, than never shall he know.
If never be the actions of a person, than never will he grow.
If never be the love of a wishful heart, than never shall it be told.
That you have loved with all your heart and given all you can.

Because never is never, in boundaries that lay truthful ever.

posted by JOEL @ 5:13 AM 0 comments

ethylchloride babbeey

Just back from bumming around with Celeste and bunch. Thank you very much to Pearlyn for the kind advice but it is really a 'see how' situation. No thanks to you for introducing Ethylchloride to my brain. No thanks at all.

I have a new addiction. Namely, Ethylchloride. This is what happens, you inhale it in then after a few direct 'hits' you get numbed or rather very 'relaxed'. Heading to the pharmacy later already.

Thank you anyway, I owe you that much Miss FHM and Miss Cheerleader. :)


What did you guys really expect me to be? Happy?
No offense but seriously I told you the severity of this very complicated issue and I meant every single fucking word.

posted by JOEL @ 5:08 AM 0 comments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9X4oeLFC34


That's the video to Snow Patrol's Run. Absolutely awesome awesome video, great camera work and play of the angles and the red flares. And I love the song, too.

She must know that this song is for her. Every line, every single word. It's for you from the bottom of my heart.

Snow Patrol - Run

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anywhere from here

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.


Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll always be right beside you.

posted by JOEL @ 2:18 AM 0 comments

Run To Me

I used to love long busrides. You know, the really long ones. Like from home to school on number 12. I get to listen to music, think up lines for songs or some random description, look out the window, observe the people in front of me blah. But now, I really hate it. I hate number 88's freaking long long ride.

Let's see tomorrow really fucked up schedule.

10am-12 noon, keeping fit!
12 noon-1, lunch at LP!
1-3, stinking 3d project.
3-5, golden slumber.
5, get ready for work.
7-11, work work.
11-?, ?

I have never lived by a schedule, ever. I just can't keep myself to a organised time. I like to procrastinate, brood over thoughts, stare into space. Guess, it's about time lah.


It still strikes me. Everytime I see you face to face. It feels like a moment in a timeless oblivion. I get struck silent and words just don't come out the same.

It's just a phase, just a phase that will pass soon. I keep saying.

The painting's so beautiful, so raw and passionate. But it must die, it must die. So you say, but what will I do?

posted by JOEL @ 1:16 AM 0 comments

..

I am stuck in a moment and I can't get out of it. I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me. Listen through your ears, through your eyes I can see.

Now, I really have this love-hate feeling with that song. U2's Stuck In A Moment. I love to listen to it but I hate to listen to the lyrics. They are so hauntingly catchy and eerie yet so sweet on the ears.

Actually intended to do some of the Lino Project sketches tonight. But nope, after friendster surfing, myspace viewing and youtube laughing. It's it nearly midnight. And when the clock turns 12, I can't skip another day of school. Too many already, don't wanna kicked out of school and run around the teeny weeny little islands in the scorching sun. Not my idea of exercise, I prefer jogging casually or playing soccer. Not being called some lazy bum ass fucker who runs slower than somebody's grandmother.

Preparations have already started! Sadly, there is no difference. Muscles are aching like mad, brain is fried lazy, the will is not there. Only one thing left to do, sleep.


Oh Lord, look at you now.

posted by JOEL @ 11:50 PM 0 comments

Come Again Another Day

Was watching that 9pm show on Chan 8 just now. Wah lao, so emo can! The guy likes that stupid girl so so so much he gave her the family heirloom the Mom left behind. She says thank you ever so earnestly and then her boyfriend pops up. And she changes mood so quickly. Wah lao, spare me the emo-ness and the typical Korean serial drama-ness. And Korean serials just remind me of Dannelia and her ice hockey show. Ahaha, I forgot her hot guy's name but it was super funny.

Anyway, my body is aching! And it is true that when you skip meals for too long and suddenly eat a regular sized portion, your body rejects everything that went in. I puked out my very tasty Chicken Cutlet Rice! Now, I know what it feels like to be a bimbo. Eh damn terok sia! I don't like it one bit.

No school on Friday! Guess what I'll be doing! 3D project. Construct a cube of no less than 13x13, cylinder, cone and a pyramid. From what I hear from all the people who have done it. It's no simple feat.

God save the world and this very sian-ed boy.

posted by JOEL @ 10:14 PM 0 comments

Rain Rain Go Away

I typed an entire entry. Only to hit the wrong button and tadah. Gone-ed.

Okay short summary.

Classmates nice, lino project needs to be done latest tomorrow night plus 3D one. Stumped. Got goth goth girl in my class plus I wore my Dimmu tee shirt she must have thought she found a friend until she finds out that I am really very idiotic instead of tr00. Caught 'Shu Qi' looking at me. Too tired to play eye games, contacts couldnt even go in until I forced. I am tired, need sleep.

I can't bear to watch. The clockwork mechanics of this cruel circle as it turns towards you. I won't be able to take it when Cupid's arrow strikes you and then someone else.

posted by JOEL @ 5:36 PM 0 comments

This is what I've been told to do.

1. Lie to myself.
2. Pretend I am fine.
3. Be happy.
4. Pretend I never felt a thing.

I don't see how it is humanly possible, to just act blur. I love to remember, never to forget and never to regret.That was my way of thinking since about 9 when I learnt the phrase, 'Forgive and Forget'. I changed it a little but 18 years and I daresay I have never really regretted anything emotional.

I don't see how it is humanly possible, to hurt someone( that apparently is a close friend.) for a certain group of other people that are somewhat existant in the two's equation. I don't see how if you really try to keep things together, that they will fall apart. Yes, perhaps one side of the Jenga tower does but when if you really wanted to keep things together you would have caught to most of the pieces anyway.

I don't see how it is humanly possible, for me to look at you again. To look at you and not hate you for the very fact that you didn't even let the damn 'mongrel' have a chance to live at all. I don't see how it is humanly possible, for me to ever know what went on in your head.

I don't see how it is humanly possible, I don't see how yesterday was humanly possible. I went down just to pass you the flower and to see you of course. God knows, that very fucking flower was a stab in the back.

I don't see how it is humanly possible, to get up and live another meaningful day. Not today.

posted by JOEL @ 8:54 AM 0 comments

Where is that life that they say is beautiful and worth living?

The one with meaning and purpose. That's where I need to run to. That's the world I want to lose myself in. If for nothing really then to just immerse myself in understanding this life I lead right now. It already feels empty at nearly 18 and it just gets more and more disappointing. Where is the success, the joy or the happiness out of living? To me, it's just a blanked blur that people say just to keep kids comitting suicide.

Seriously, what makes you think you will be happy in lets say 10 or 20 years time? Marriage you say, well lets put it nothing is ever definite in a human-human relationship. When you deal with humans, 1+1 will never equate to a 2. Humans are not logical, we tend to wrap ourselves along that twisted curvy line called balance. We tend to bend logic with words, feelings and heartfelt emotions.

Aren't we all just a tad too confusing for ourselves, really?

posted by JOEL @ 8:44 AM 0 comments

fucked with a knife

I kept telling myself this day would never come. Positive thoughts and happy emotions. That one day, we would be happy together.

Bang bang, you shot those dreams down. Then, you put all these walls around. Then you expect me to be fine and think things will be okay and back to normal.

I question my loyalty to this band. Now, more than ever. It may mean the world to you but you are the world. So what should I do? I'm not playing coy, I don't want to hurt you or to exhaust you I swear. But you were the very reason. And now I cannot face that reason anymore.

I gave you whatever I could. Anything you wished for, I'd grant. You know how much I hate drawing inside. How I really hate and how I really cannot draw. You know me better than myself probably. Maybe that's why.

It feels like a stab wound.

posted by JOEL @ 2:30 AM 0 comments

Nothing Else Matters

Monday's suck. Absolutely horrid. Printmaking classes are fine except that I'm not gonna hand up my sketch tomorrow and I will be known as one of the slackers which is really not what I want to achieve. 3D classes are exceptionally boring. So boring that really, watching a dead animal and hoping it would move totally kicks ass compared to it. Two assignments are due next week and I am stumped.

Well, at least I'm off work tomorrow. And to school I go to tomorrow for 3 dumb hours. And I still haven't banked in my cheque from Clearedge!

I'd caress every last scar every last wound like fingers on silk.
Every last fear, every last tear. You know I'll always be there for you.
At every waking moment of every little nightmare,
You know I'd be right beside you.

posted by JOEL @ 12:41 AM 0 comments