Absence
It's been a long time since my last blog entry and well, a lot has been going on. Too much to even feel that desire to blog and try to convince you all about the exciting life I have going on.
Sadly, no. I have a mother who I have grown so used in her absence that even for the 1 month she's going to spend here, I barely want to make time for her. I hate myself so much, for putting up that tourniquet wall of protection. I have grown so accustomed to just hearing her on the phone that I have distanced my heartfelt emotions so far away from myself. It's just the way I have made myself to be in these few pathetic years, after the divorce, after Gaby. It was almost as though everything that happened to me was in one way or another a tragedy.
I barely feel anymore. I feel like everything and everyone around me is just temporary and can be easilly replaced. I feel emotion-less. Thus, the previous entry about me feeling like a cyborg. I feel lost in a world of my own, trapped rather than lost. I'm hopeless. I just need that one special person to light up my life, to make me hurt, to make me feel, to make me hate and to make me love once again. Sorry.
It doensn't make me feel better either, that I have not been keeping up to date with my work. I've prolonged due dates to long, time left is running out. I keep thinking about hitting the bottle. I keep thinking about escape to absolve my problems. I never remember my 'statement'. Escape is necessary whilst Collapse inevitable when success passes.
I hate Collapse.
Lord, take me in your arms and love me. Fill me with an emotion, fill me with humanly instincts and spirit. I need someone.
I feel like a ghost, or a cyborg so consumed by it's mechanical rampage that it forgets all there was to feel. I feel no better than a stone brick. Maybe it's because I'm not seeing much sunlight these days. I feel a longing to hang out with Dad, it's been too long.
I guess you can't only fight off somehow you love for that long. I miss that father-son bonding so much, I would fight for it. It's strange, really.
I installed Diablo on the computer again. Addiction runs deep in my veins, it's a primate instinct.
Continuos Verification
I'm sitting in front of the telly, watching EPL highlights. I just came back from dinner and beer with the neighbour. My leg hurts, the soreness of skin reminds one of his skin sheathe that exposed his penis's forehead. It holds a queer sense of sensitivity and soreness or a cocktail of both.
I am a walking tragedy. I have become a regular at the coffeeshop near my place. I feel like an old man, balding and loathing for some company. I feel desperate and alone.
But I am not, or am I?
Words Put Into A Webpage
On a random note, I miss working. Now, my days occupy themselves with thoughts, my poet of a darling and more worrying thoughts. I've become a paranoid, over-assuming asshole and the whole world's feeling my fever.
Hmmm, beer tasting is an awesome job. Apparently, Tiger is creating a newer, lighter beer and I was one of the lucky few who were 'chosen' to preview it's latest showcase. Well, not really like it's really glam or what since the room of people waiting to taste the pioneer of local light beers were mostly ahbengs? I actually saw a few of them whom I know. Feng Yuan, Leslie and bunch from 85 Market. Weird eh, these people get to taste beers, be gig door people and all but in actual fact, they are the 'scum of local singapore'.
As much as I miss Dwayne and company. I guess it's just another chapter of my life I have to end. And I call tell they're trying hard to end theirs too. I guess we all learn as the days past eh?
I MISS MY SEXY SHAKESPERE!
The beat goes a little jazzy, the lights darken and like spotlights flooding the room, I see you enter. A precarious bump, a jigsaw smile and the whole band's going with the flow. Just like tainted memories now tuned into perfection, you stroll in, flicking your hair to the side amidst the dozen of adoring bystanders. And you walk up to me, of all the common folk, the majestic princess teeters up before me and smiles a casual silent hello.
I still have all those weird fantasies on living in a mythological age. Where knights slay dragons, beautiful royalty wed other too perfect to hate royalty and where true love exists only in valor. I am no good in this world. I am a reject of society's gruelling tests, spit out after a taste,remnants of a dirty hawker centre floor. I wish I could give you the world, all the riches, spoil you like a newborn child and kiss your tenderly till the lights dim.
There's a world ahead for us to learn and I just hope you won't be leaving too soon, my sweet goddess descent from the works of Socrates, fairytale romance and modern day intricacy.
Ingenious Orbit Around Sanity's Stars
I was a moment too early to be surprised, in a crazed turn of events that ended up in bliss. You hold so much power in my eyes and you don't even know it yet. You're like a peacock holding back it's feathers then you come out in full dressed splendour and my fixation is permanent, I can't keep my eyes off you. I know you're afraid and so am I. I am more afraid that you will leave me, the chances are higher than the reverse in my case. But while we have what we have, I am contented like a fat kid drooling on the window of a pizza parlour.
I have problems with myself, my addiction is killing me.
It's hurting my body more than anything else and the dependence on it is barely containable. Imagine, you're on one side of a see-saw and the weight on the other side is your worst enemy. You're locked in an endless debate on who's who and which side should give up but it never happens. Failure is never a choice, not an option for great's. How do you defeat something that has already leeched itself on your existence and like a whore eats away at your pride and she lowers her body on top of you, locking your bodies with hers in a trance like absorption of a guilt trip paranoma.
I have become a sage, I have become a tyrant. All in these 18 years, I have battled with myself so often that I am beyond repair.
I am God and I am the Devil in my own mind, I am heaven and hell in my own conscience. You are yours too, did you know it yet?
So I have become a wishing, hopeless romantic in your eyes and presence. The puberscent, teenage anxieties plague my mind and desperation just to make you feel me again. I sat beside you on the brain, brainwashed, drained out of misery and failure. Just a lonely, breathing figure immersed in the rain-like presence of joy.
I missed you so much, work and assessment. It distanced us so far apart, it actually felt like a piece of my daily life was missing and obsolete.
You wouldn't believe the relief I got when I put my hand in yours and you took it.
I missed you so much. I thought about things, love, sex, and everything all the other boys thought. You know it too. But somehow, it was beyond my capability to make you hurt.
I just hope you won't be leaving too soon.
Velvet ribbons will break the tension with the fall,I'm a hopeless romantic falling in love with everything you do.
