Monday, July 31, 2006

Chronic Disorder of the Heart

I think skipping meals should be skipped. I woke up at 2.19AM in the morning from all the tummy rumbling and gastric. Went to the fridge, I saw tea fingers, chocolate cookies, cheese, eggs, coke, fruit & nut chocolate and cheese. I dug deep in the vegetable compartment for an apple, no more. I looked in the freezer for ice to eat, no more. I decided to just pump myself full of water and hope the rumbling will stop. It did for awhile then came back again. Give up give up give up.

I really am starting to feel like a girl. Okay here's why. I am skipping meals, I have started to gossip and bitch(which is totally so not me!), My bag is very well organised from daily meds to extra lighter to extra pen and I have become very very confusing lately. My dad no longer understands me, haha. If my friends don't get what I'm doing, it's okay. But the old man knows me inside out, outside in.

Is it Temporary Typical Girl Syndrome? I've heard that the TTGS is extremly life altering. About 30% of the guys that go through this actually turn out either really faggy or just plain gay. I really hope this is not another bout of retribution from the cruel hands of fate. Haha, now I really regret dissing Lester and Ben from secondary school. Die die die.

I absolutely hate Mondays and I will till the end of Semester which is in Nov(I think?). I start at 9 in the morning and I end at 5 in the evening. I have no break, no lunch, no smoking. And I don't have the carving materials and linoleum for tomorrow. And I absolutely hate screwed up first days, first impressions blah blah. I hope I have nice classmates that will very kindly lend me their materials and not think of me as some weird self destroying masochist ahbeng who listens to evil music and has a demon inside him that makes weird voices. Sometimes ah, I really wish I was just like a normal kiddo. Haha, no big lobes, no tattoos, listen to the radio all day, go to church and play soccer.

The grass always seems greener on the otherside of the fence aye? Forbidden fruit theory. Damn, I miss talking to Francis from Clearedge. He is really another Nostradamus, Socrates, Shakespere, Einstein and Romeo all rolled into one and stuffed in a middle aged man's body.

And guess what I've been replaying and replaying on my speakers! Rivermaya's You'll Be Safe Here. I tell you it's just like Hoobastank's The Reason or U2's Stuck In A Moment or Radiohead's Creep to me.


You'll be safe here, I promise.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

You'll Be Safe Here

I cannot believe that I have finally heard this song again. The last time I heard it on MTV, I almost cried. There is no song out there in the massive selection from the pop rock industry that correctly expresses the heart's very hidden truths better than this one right here.

And I'm so happy I've finally found a someone that I know I can relate this song to. ps:I mean it and I'm not afraid/ashamed to let you or anybody know.


Rivermaya - You'll Be Safe Here(excerpt)

When the light disappears; And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream; I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

Save your eyes; From your tears
When everything's unclear
You'll be safe here

From the sheer weight; Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart ;When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream;I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here
In my arms; Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You'll be safe here

When no one understands;I'll believe
You'll be safe,
You'll be safe
You'll be safe here

Put your heart in my hands;
You'll be safe here.

Sunshine After the Rain

You know how it feels when its been raining all day, all of a sudden a very strong afternoon sun comes up and just dries up the rain. And there is that very distinctive smell? I love that smell. To me, it just feels so refreshing and somewhat like a sign of new and better things to come after the downpour.

I feel that way now. Like the rain's over and when it'll come again I don't know and I don't want to prepare an umbrella for it. I'm just gonna go headfirst like a bull in the chinashop on this one.

I know you don't want complications in what we already have and I understand the risks involved. I totally know that I am putting a lot on the line and that I might lose everything I've helped to build up myself. I've thought this through and I want to take that risk. I want to take that chance at happiness. I have never felt this way in such a long time and I'm not letting this feeling go away again. I'm not gonna push it under water and pray it'll disappear. I know everything will be fine, I don't gurantee you happiness but I know we can work our way there together. I know it deep down inside of me, like a instinctive reaction. I'm don't want to reject this feeling, I'm looking it straight in the eye and I'm smiling. I know that's where I really want to go there, to run away.

I hope you understand and I think you do, inside.

Somewhere where I know I'll always be safe,
Somewhere, I've never known my way around.
Someone, that I know will keep me bound.
And lost, all the time.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Psycho

I've totally driven myself nuts with all the current happenings.

SORRY.

Now, all that's left to do is to forget forget forget and not think so much anymore.

I swear you should be a poet.

Fighting Myself

I just realised that my blog title is so appropriate. Fighting Myself. I am so so contradictory, I actually beg reason for explanations for the stupid things I land myself up in.

Going through probably the roughest patch ever right now. Thanks to all the pals that tried to understand what I'm going through but truly I've never felt anything more painful than this and I'm drunk enough of the misery bottle. It's starting to get tiring to think. The same thought patterns run through my head, questions and questions on why why and fucking why. It's tiring to feel anything else anymore. It's tiring to believe in positivity and smiley thoughts. Thank you my friends anyway for helping. It sure helps to know I'm not really that alone afterall.

Jamming today for me was completely emotion-less. There's no more angst left to spare, no more anger or ferocity in this tired voice. I feel like an old man, really. A tired soul, just walking away from all reason and logic. Just walking towards a certain blurry thing called joy once again.

It's gotten so horrible that I start doing things without a particular reason. For example, I headed to the liquor cabinet for Black Label once I stepped home. When I usually just head to the shower or to the guitar. I swear I'm going detrimental. This endless paranoia is fucking suffocating me, oh my god what a word. Suffocating. It's just sucking up all the joy I've left like a sponge on water like a flame to a piece of paper.

I beg you to understand. I beg you to realise that I'm no different from anyone else you were with. That truly, I am one of them. Haven't I always tried to be there for you? Haven't I always tried my best to make your days happier and also remember the little things that mean the most? Haven't I really tried to stand by you no matter what? Haven't I really been the one who REALLY cared? Too many haven't I's to mention and shit.

But no.

It's becoming like a tantric circle. Red WHY's and white NO's just keep flashing flashing and flashing at me. It's fucking psycho. It is fucking psycho. It all blinks and flashes till it comes to an end and all I see is a straightforward simple NO. Hell yea it saved me from a lot more damage but fuck it still hurts like hell.

It's free flow on misery and I paid my cover. I keep begging to get bounced out but they keep saying it's a one way ticket in, nobody leaves this fucking morbid place. The doors are shut, the gloomy music is on and everybody's just drowning themselves in nothing else but misery bottle number 1.

I sat and stared, pretty much alone at Glutton's Bay just now. I starred into lights, people, smiling faces. Yet all I could really think was what was at hand. Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be able to smile and laugh freely just like I always did? Why did I have to be one of the brothers? Why couldn't I have known you like you would know anyone else? Why couldn't I just have been a normal friend to you? Why can't I say that I really really just want to let you know how I really feel inside? That you are truly everything that has made me 'wake up'? That you are truly in eyes a princess from afar? That everyday I woke up trying to make you a little happier with me?Why couldn't I be one of them? Why couldn't I make you feel anything? Why didn't I just make things clear right from the start? Why why why why why!!!!! I guess this itself is a little conversation with you. A silent one.

Things will not change and there is no point hoping for a turn on this wicked highway. I will just die here alone and let my soul move onward to brighter lights and darker nights.


I seeked a fortune out of only his keepsake.
Watching the lights dim itself out.
Watching my very self die out.
Praying everyday for a brighter hope.

And this is where the story ends. The lead lies broken and shattered. Dusted into the meadows where only the hopeful lie. Thrown away and discarded into a dirty old box where keepsake memories will draw him out. Where an old canvas paints his blackened portrait along with his sad little story. Where he gave it his everything and all that lies along with him now and his pitiful hopes and teary dreams. Dreams that die everyday a little more, a little more. Where he weeps ever so silently in his gentle facade. To a nothingness that life dare not bore.

Friday, July 28, 2006

NO MEANS NO

I bleed a thousand stars that spread across the horizon;
I watched my wretched being crumble into oblivion.
I watched my every form shatter into loneliness;
Every piece of me screaming out for understanding,
Every last bit of me calling out to you in agony.

I took a dance with Cupid and his cruel little bow,
He told me that it was truly not his fault.
Every trade has its cruelty; every gem its chipped value.
And every heart, it's broken perfection.

I saw me standing in the mirror that starred back empty into my being.
Rivets and screws that flew away when I first realised.
This empty being is no machine, no tool of no trade.
I felt human once again, compelled to love and care.

Now, I watch the stars into silent slumber.
A bystander in this world of emotions;
A silent trumpet in the heat of war.
No desire to move, to walk or to run.

I play my lonely sad songs and hope for a better night.
That by some wicked chance, will something change my bitter plight.
It feels so numbed, so cruelly cold.
But I guess wondering hurts more than a simple no.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Informidable Guilt of Truancy.

Just got back from playing soccer with the whole big big group of 5A people and Leslie. It's been sucha a long long time since I last kicked a soccer ball but at least my goalkeeping skills still there eh? Time to keep fit, no supper, no big meals and less beer and if possible quit smoking too. Aiyah, sounds damn impossible.

Been listenint to alot alot of Mudvayne and Chimaira recently. Super super alot. Mudvayne's Fucking Determined has been on replay for my entire journey to meeting Jon yesterday! There's something about combining clean melodic singing with screaming that is just too raw. Ever more angsty than growling and screaming.

Well, I seriously hope I'm out of that emo stage. I know I've accepted normality but it just kills to not question why or imagine if things took a different turn. And there is that risk, that teeny weeny line that I dare not cross. I'm not afraid of being ashamed, I'm not afraid of people looking down at me for trying to create trouble. I honestly have driven myself totally mad thinking about things. But yet there is that creeping fear that hides behind all my logical thoughts that somehow things would have turned out okay.

I'm a dot with my revolution and there you have Fear and Risk, starring me down.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Bleed motherfuck, bleed!

They say LaSalle is a gathering of artists. Whoever thought artists were normal?! I have this really weirdo acquaintance who has self invited himself to join our lil' group(Jon, Carrie, Farid, Celestine, Ida) and he is a bit the psycho and helpful to our stuff(Especially our beer!).

Shall not be mean, shall not be mean. And I could still sing that stupid Micheal Jackson number. "Heal the world, make it a better place. For you and for me and the anti-****H race". Shall not be mean, shall not be mean.

Skipping the Botanical Gardens shit tomorrow! Going on the trail of the mysterious A4 sized sketch book that ART FRIEND at Bras Basah doesn't have. Thank god for good schoolmates.

I wished today upon a fiery star,
that looked like chariots of fire from way afar.
That you'd be fine, on every single day.
That if there must be pain, on my path let it stray.

That if my torment would mean your happiness, then so shall it be this way.
If it be my tears shall flow every single day, just to see you smile again.
Then let it be this way.

I watched the trees swaying, so gently in the breeze.
If only for a moment, in pure serenity.
Blew a kiss into the wind, so secretly silent and discreet.
That only I would know, that it would touch your cheek.

Irony, be the master of this word. Love;
For it never feels better, but yet it kills me silently within.
For it always hurts so bad, but yet always takes me higher.
For it always feel so loud but yet I am forced in silence.

Monday, July 24, 2006

My Mouth Will Not Speak The Words My Heart Wants You To KNow

It's a terrible feeling to just feel so silent. A deep yearning to speak but words just cease to form. Like a fighter with his hands tied, an artist without a pencil, a singer without a voice and lastly a sun that dares not rise.

It kills me more and more every single day to feign stupidity and pretend to not give it my all. It's like a stab would that just will not stop bleeding. An eye that just will not open to see the beauty of the morning day. It is a slow painful procedure of ignorance.

But words can kill all but the human body.

Orientation session number 2 was fine I guess. Mike from Absence Of The Sacred is with me too! At least that's gonna be some fun. Time flies and 8 months just whooshed by so quickly. It scares me that I'm finally at the first step of an organised life. No more late night lepaking, no more drinking on school nights, no more this no more that. I can't help but miss the holiday(Yes Vien, shut up. :) ) but I guess it's all progression eh? Got to take it all in my stride. Saw my very hot pretty angry girl again today. Woah, she is simply amazing. Her facial features are just so pure with emotion and just so so so beautiful. Too beautiful for me.

Another Orientation Session tomorrow, this time with the class. Prepared for the worst already.

School starts tomorrow!!

So tomorrow is the beginning of Week 01 in LaSalle. Wow, the long holiday is finally over and I'm actually feeling a little reluctant to let it go. To better times, new friends, new experiences and ART.

Tribute To The MetalGods today. Fucking MASOCHIST killed us all again today. Fucking brutal motherfuckers who truly are merciless in every sense of the word. I totally went crazy, I don't know why. I heard my favourite Lamb Of God songs today but I didn't exactly go all out. But on MASOCHIST's set, I absolutely let go. Fuck people thinking I headbang or mosh like an idiot. Plus with all the recent shit happening, I really enjoyed myself today. Now I know why music is therapeutic.

I cannot understand people. Why can you possibly want to hit someone just over a change in preference in music? That to me, is truly ultimate. It's very horrid to question a person's IQ but I have no choice. The thought ran to me almost immediately.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

To the perfect one;

I still remember the songs we used to sing.
All my life, I prayed for someone like you.


I still remember your smile and that sweet voice that bade me to slumber. I still think of you at times. I really wonder how you are now? It must be a very trying time for you now. I wish you all the best and all the love I could give. You know that you're the one I've truly always been here for. I hope you're happier and I know that you're stronger. I'm happy for you.

It doesn't matter that you don't want to talk to me anymore. That you've closed the door shut. It's okay. I understand. I never really did mean goodbye and I've always left my side of the door open.

Be happy and be well.

To A United Music Scene

Went for Loudfest 2006 today! Must say that truly, the hardcore or emocore band's moshpit is fucking fucking crazy. It's probably the craziest moshpit I've ever been it. One thing I love about moshing truly is just taking it all your frustration out on the music. In all due safety to the fellow moshers lah.

Was super fun. Upon hearing that it was a mixed gig, I couldn't help but expect a fight to go on after. But nope, nothing of the sort. That was super cool for me.

I believe every genre of music is unique in it's own individuality. Even though I dig metal much more than I would to punk or hardcore stuff, I still respect the other punk or hardcore kid beside me for supporting his music and for his passion for the local scene. To me, it's fucking dumb to say that punks and metalheads cannot get along. Maybe as a metalhead I would not support a punk band playing by going to their front but neither would I do some trivial shit to disturb their set. Hey, he's a musician. I respect him/her for that.

It's the same like racism. Isn't it? Isn't all that unncessary angst and devotion towards breeding their hatred the same? Aren't we all just people trying to live our own lives at the end of the day? Aren't we all just trying to support our loved ones? I think racism, music genre-ism and especially global or perhaps territorial domination/war is fucking stupid.

I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel here. Everybody hates war, I know. It's a phase of our own human development that we will never be able to change. It's something of our inate intelligience and greed that no matter how hard we try to change people, this will never change. It's a known fact. Why do anti-war groups never succeed? Why do people say 'Oh, it's for revenge for my people that died'.

So fuck you and your nonsense.

You guys know that little picture chart of the development of Man? The one where first he's a monkey then he slowly starts walking and becoming more like the modern homo sapien? Well, it shouldn't end at the modern man. It should really end at a blank. We will kill ourselves and everything we created at the end of it all. It's a circle of development. It's a circle, engineered to go one way then back all the way to the start. We have been engineered to create, progress and probably be the smartest guys on the planet but at the end of our circle it goes kapoot.

Oh yea, guys check out MASOCHIST from Thailand. Mad guys on instruments. Mad mad people.



Death Be Thy Order

Futile, our screams and constant cries for Justice.
We live our lives in complete disarray.
We march to find no cause of violence in this land.
Destroying the face of Innocence.

Standing by murderous crimes, I watched the monetary human sacrifice.
Standing by murderous crime, WE end the sanctity of innocence life.

Starring into the eyes of deprivation.
Witness the fear of a thousand children.
From an unmistakable crime,
YOUR LIES.

Live by the sword.
Die by your creation.
Live by the sword;
Death Be Thy Order.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Lasalle Orientation!

Today, super eventful. Woke up at 7 in the morning, which I have never ever besides for shooting with Clearedge the other time. All thanks to Ms Celestine Tong for not waking up with Ida and Farid all being late. I end up at the hawker centre opposite LaSalle waiting for about an hour. I must say the bus ride was plentiful of good 'view'. I saw my dream babe! She has that perfect angry face look, gorgeous intimidating eyes and that killer body. Plus! She has this flower tattoo that stretches along the side of her hip. She is my fantasy. And she's in LaSalle foundation year too! But I no hope one lah, already forgotten about it.

One must not aim too high for fear of falling down too hard.

Orientation was a total bore. Just talks from the administrative staff and so on and so far. Somehow, I had the impression that Orientation was gonna be group bonding activities and all. Wrong, very wrong! Bummed around with Celestine, Carrie, Farid and Ida in the hawker centre sipping sugarcane juice and smoking like water. And do you guys know that Celestine was my childhood love! And I was hers! But we never knew, oh damn.

Then it was Bugis with Agnes. Walked around abit then off to Gas Haus. To watch THE MAN or HUI MAN perform her jrock stuff. It's not anything personal but I do not get JRock. Firstly, why the dressup? Secondly, why listen to JRock if you're not Japanese? Yes, music is universal but JRock sounds like normal Rock. Why JRock lah? Hahah, to each his own I guess. I did really like Drain Away by some band that Hui Man covered. The chugging guitar riff is still in my head.

After the gig blah blah sit around wait. Then off to Murphy's! I still like their stout there better than anywhere else. Watched the Unxpected their last set. Shirlyn DOES have a very strong voice. But her mic was a tad too loud for me, you don't need volume to tell people you're the star or that you have a strong voice. Hahah, IMO.

Tired, tired, tired. Probably going to bed soon. And I have reconfirmed Cherilyn's previous suspicious. That I am afraid of gay people. Yes, I am. I am Homophobic and Tranny-phobic.

Don't see how, don't see when, don't see why, will never.
I 100% love NATURAL women fullstop end of story live happilly ever after.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Closer To Me

This song is the epitome for of selflessness. It's my fucking secondary day's song! She knows, she knows. I don't need to explain more than the song does.

5ive - Closer To Me

Constantly girl you're on my mind, and girl I think about you all of the time
and even though words are hard to say, girl I miss you, never thought I'd feel this way.

If you keep on taking, my heart you'll bebreaking so why do you do this to me?
You know how I'm feeling it's you I believe in baby can't you see that I need you?

You know that it's true. Every time I see your face I miss you baby
You know that it's you.
I want to let you know you're driving me crazy.
I'd do anything to help you to see, I don't thinkyou understand what you're doing to me.
You know that it's true.
Every now and then I want to call you baby.
You know that it's you. I say a prayer that you'll come back to me lady. Oh yeah. Life ain't anything alone can't you see you're an angel in my eyes, everyday you're closer to me.

Nobody's there when I call your name, and nights are cold girl without your flame.
But if I could girl I'd make you see.
That I'm sorry, and that I need you here with me.

Every day reminisce with the past of a love that we thought would last. How we used to be when it was you and me.
How did it all disappear so fast.
There are days that I can't forget there are things that I now regret.
I was there for you when you were there for me,and I was thinkin' we were set.
Every night when I'm laying in my bed I hear your voice going round in my head, thinkof all the thingsI could have done and all those things I couldhave said.
I really will make it up to you I know now what I've got to do,
It took time but now I've realised how much I'm missing you.

Recovered In A Casket

So.. things turned out pretty okay. Nothing to worry about, no real concern. Just a dumbfuck's way of creating unnecessary attention.

These couple of days has gotta be the very essence of thought. I have never thought, written, reflected or tried to understand things as much as I have ever had in the past 17+ years of my life. It has brought me to understand alot more of myself, alot more about the way I like to do things and solve problems.

I realised I am a chao kaypohkia. Haha, I cannot keep my hands to my own problems. I'm also a very sensitive and emotional guy. And I am also fucking fucking fucking petty. That's all I am gonna disclose, can't reveal all my faults to people right?

Booze recovery is hurting. I'm sick of waking up with the undying stench of whisky in my nose and killer headaches. I hope I'm recovered because the wallet and the body cannot take it anymore. School's starting too. I really want to leave Timbre but I can't. It's just beyond my moral understanding to simply pack up and leave in such a abrupt manner. It's just not me lah, oooh and I am an understanding person too! Or so I believe myself to be.

What do I do when all I ever wanted was just something, anything at all from you?

And time, goes by. So slowly, and time can do so much.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Dissolving Logic And Reason

It doesn't make sense anymore. It's almost as those I'm too tired to stretch, too lazy to move. I simply am not bothered with life, just thoughts and thoughts and more thoughts.

To Gabriel, Reuben, Huimin and Sher; thanks anyways for caring. I'm fine. You all know me long enoghu, I just need booze recovery. Talk to you all more in a couple of days.

I miss my old life, saw Prasad today. Talked to Venga on the phone. BILA BILA ANJEDI! Balls to that.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Walking With My Sanity

Walking With Sanity

I took a lonely walk today, just myself for once.
To stroll the thoughts out of my head;
To watch some calm, I've been too dead.
I've been plagued with a curse, an unexplainable thirst.

Prolong my pain; It's been so long it no longer feels sane.
Let me be; I will stand up strong once again.
For these couple of days, I'd just want to walk with my sanity.

What's come and what's truly gone?
Reliving every single last word,
What left in me that's not torn?
Gazing upon the darkened skies, I'm only left with sentences that begin with Why.

Just A Conversation With My Shadow.

A letter written at truly my darkest hour, it goes out to the following people. The Perfected Angel of Beauty and Success, The Bloodshot Eyed Medusa of Self Neglect and Of Magic Serums, The Queen Of All That Bore Desire, My Evil Intellectually Conjoined Twin Brothers of Vengeance and Malice, The Innocent One that ripped my heart out and lastly but not with dishonor. This is For Me.

This dark grey breaks itself down upon me. I watch endless streams of tears flow down unto pillows that are already soaked. I can't tell fact from fiction anymore, so be it if I must stare into lies. Your murky water chokes me, it pulls me further down into this depression that I already am wedged in. I feel separation a darker tone of bright malevolence and euphoria. I feel pain in its most purest and divine form, with every passing breath it's all I seem to be thinking about. It's almost all I'm left with to occupy my mind with. It's almost everything I'm left with to survive on, no rations just plain good ol' disaster.

I call onto the silent one, who always seems to be there for me in my times of need. And yet my friend, stays silent again. I call onto mercy, for just a sip of her pleasant waters. I call onto faith, to keep me going just another day. I call onto hope, to bring me some form of purity. I push myself away but how do you rid your own inner demons?

You don't know my regret. How much I killed myself day by day just to remember what we had. How much I died a little more with every line of your letters. how much I really wanted to run back into your arms to just remember what it was like to hold you once again. You probably will never get to realise what I felt, while on your way to your perfect life. You can just stop taunting me, just leave me in my own hole. Stop reminding me that you are happier than I am. That you'll always be happier than I'll ever be. I didn't mean to let things go out of control, I swear it was the weed that made me do everything I did. I'm sorry that it all happened this way but I will never want to look back again so please stop looking for your knight in shining needles in his veins.

I didn't mean to tell you half-truths. I cannot look at you anymore and see you successful. I cannot look at you in the eye and say you deserve it all. You have never been able to dig deeper in the ground, never been able to suck it all in. I still remember how close we once were. How we never had to say a single word but just stare into each other's eyes in silence and know what the other meant. How tender the memories of you lying on the bridge hungover side by side. Not caring about the world starring into our little glass bottle and they watched us chase each other round and round the bottle. Breathing the very air the holes they poked gave us.

I swear that I still remember, every single one last we said on the last day and it kills me more every time I remember.

The things I do to keep myself alive just one more day. Awake for one more fight, one more tear, one more cruel twist of fate. Just one more will be all I can take, I'm falling. I'm really fucking falling this time. I'm fucking sinking in my own pile of self created disaster. The stench of failure and rejection just fills my nostrils, I can't breath anymore.

Happier thoughts and happier words from a different time, a different dimension. Words that only remind me of us. That bring me back to my former self, happy nonchalence. A defiance to fate, a defiance to the equilibrum of emotion.

Just a conversation with my shadow. A dark outcast of trust and vigilance. Only he will know my darkest flaws and innermost tantrums. I shall remain emotionless and discreet in my silence of joy. I shall never pour myself out again. Never again!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Alone

I can't help but question myself sometimes. How I can be so compassionate and so malicious at the same time. How I can throw insults like oil to fire but at the same time feel ever so pitiful. It's truly beyond my comprehension, hopefully the next few mundane days will bring me to the answer.

Life is as shitty as shit can be at the moment. I have crazy assumption that somehow lead me into thinking that these half-truth indeed have some truth in them. I fucking hope this tidal wave will pass me by quickly and smoothly. I cannot think of what will happen if it's true.

I can't help but also feel so so alone in this world. So afraid of my surroundings, daunted by the large shadows around me. I ran out of my shell for you, yet it seems too much for you to just spend a moment. Well, part and parcel of life ain't it. Like my old man said to me when I was a wee little boy of 8, "If you want to give someone something from yourself, give and never expect it to return." Wise old fucker.

Quotes, Proverbs, Inspirational Messgaes. Don't they all make life just so beautiful and easy to get through. Like every step up the cliff seems a little easier. This is Placebo treatment I say! Eee, gay band.

God for once, just look down and pity me.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Heartwrench

Heartwrench

Don't you know, it hurts so much just to look in your eyes;
To feel your every pain, to feel you despise.
Time so cruel has trapped me in your wrath;
This Cupid's arrow that strayed unto my path.

Moments that pass and go away.
Moments that seem to always say.
Yes it could have been true;
Yes it could have been true.

So what belongs to us?
Besides our very actions that always curse.
That the next sip we take will never thirst,
For the next deep gash that will always bleed.

Memento Mori; Remember that we will have to die.

Heartwrench.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Understand the Serene Silence

I'm glad Mysterious Friend has thought things true and stuff. Well done, Mysterious Friend at least you're not stubborn like Manly Friend.

Hearing what Mysterious Friend's conversation with the ex-boyfriend has really brought me into reality about Gaby and I. She must have had countless other friends telling her the same stuff I told Mysterious Friend. Oh well, what goes around comes round.

Back from so much Metal talk and people, I just want more! Can't wait for the next Massecration jamming and all. Herald Of Decay project seems to have quite alot of complications here and there. Weirdo.

Talking about back from Penang. I miss Nasi Kandar! I miss cheap Perilly's! I miss Dissectomy + Crew! I miss being around all my brothers and the sister! It's like a withdrawal symptom. I swear this morning I turned to my right and I saw Ricky and Hisham beside me. Only to talk to shawdowy figure and realise it was the table. It's kinda like that feeling when you go to camps and spend so much time together(Alamak, remind me of Gaby!) and then go home feeling that sense of loneliness and desire of fellowship. But(In the fucking funny words of Sham), it's 'No More'.

Leon couldn't get out of the terminal and we didn't get to repay his generousity and excellent hospitality. My god, those guys seriously had an iron threshhold on their anger. After waking up late countless times in the short 3 days, he was still so fucking genuine and nice! Jesussssss! I seriously have to learn from him.

It doesn't help that I'm at the bottom of my self dug pit of loneliness. I can't help it but turn towards old letters and pictures and remember all the empty promises of never leaving and the little kisses and hugs that were never meant to last. The words 'I wish time would turn back' repeat over and over simultaneously with this grinding anguish that eats at my sanity and self respect.

I feel damn loser lah can. Haha, never thought I would ever get the chance to say this but yea, I have to admit it now.



Understanding the Serene Silence

When pictures bleed memories out from every crevice the eye held;
When time seemed so cruel to pass every second away;
When mournful words are all that's left to say;
That's probably when you hear the deafening silence.

The birds sing, the breeze never stops, the sun always shines;
But you only see the love lost.
Happy smiles wherever you pass, Songs of happier times on your downward cast.
You scream back at this cruel world only to remember the past.

Fading away into this darkened greys;
Running away from all that she said.
Running and running from all there's left to blame;
I stumble upon my very corpse.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Her Disaster that became My Own.

Recently, I saw a lot of strange things going on with a certain friend of mine. Weird stuff, romantically weird with an ex-boyfriend that totally did not deserve the title. Somehow, I found myself emotionally tangled up in her 'stupidity' or what seemed so at the moment. Here's to that friend, whom I hope will chance upon this before I get too embarassed and delete it. Shall write it like a letter.

Dear Mysterious Friend,

I know we already talked about it and all but I still don't feel that safe. Knowing you, you are not a very head strong person but rather one that follows her heart. You are simply not able to lie to someone in their face to bend their will and gain their trust. I believe I am about 50% right on that. I do not trust in your vindictiveness or your 'br00tality'. You were simply born kind hearted and compassionate. I sincerely hope with my hearts crossed and a razor on my wrist that you will prove me wrong and save yourself from the tears or prove me right and let that dick get his rightful servings.

I never knew that cruel side of you. I hope I never will be able to find out. If you can hurt him and lie to his face, why not mine? I sincerely hope that we've all been genuine in this friendship.

We aren't as close as we were before but I still care a whole lot for you. I have grown accustomed to seeing a happy friend and it would be sucha a downer if things were to change. I care, probably more than a friend or brother should for you. I don't want to see you run into walls, trying to push them down. I don't want to be there for you again this time, if you cry over him again. I will simply sit beside you in silence. I just don't want to see you get hurt again.

I know that I didn't make your grade and it's still not a 100% over for me yet. I still think about things at times. Although I have already come to my indefinite conclusion that things will not change between us. This feeling helps me remember what it was like to truly care for a friend. Rest assured I have no more intentions of complicating issues.

So Mysterious Friend, I spent some time thinking about this on the long busride. And here's what I came up with. I swear it is original even though the last line sounds like a Christian Moral Story of walking on beaches. This one's for you pal. Love.

What's the point of starring into the eyes of uncertainty if only to spend a minute to dream.
Where malice is a form of justice never truly reigning, neither truly failing.
What's the use of having a dream, if only to never fictionate the words of my song.
That's when I realised that the rose indeed has no thorns.

For when I stare with affection into your eyes, do I get friendship returned.
And the lips of a friend speak kinder than one of love.
That's when I remember, that to own and love nothing is truly success.
That to give and care to the ones you love, and not expect is when you have been blessed.

Oh dear friend, I know not our future or if our fates will ever cross.
To never fathom my future is not my greatest loss.
To accept every raining day as lovely weather,
I do not want to see the days that lie ahead of me.

But if you'd walk slowly, then take a walk and find out with me.


So Mysterious Friend, be happy. Always be happy, for me.

How to be a true blue Singaporean

Just returning back from Penang, I couldn't help but think of all our little imperfections being a responsible tourist. Here's how!

1) Upon figuring out that your currency kicks ass, make it known!
2) Waste things like cigarettes, tissue paper, food, etc.
3) Whack all their shops!
4) Not feel bad on spending seemingly large amounts of foreign currency.
5) Discriminate the conditions of their buildings.
6) Feel very very rich and make it known.

I must say, I totally understand why Malaysian's hate it when we Singaporeans go over. It's like a total culture/currency shock to us kiasu, cent scrimping people. We go there and eat like kings, drink like kings and smoke like kings. My goodness gracious me, it's almost as though a portion of my humility was left behind at Goldenmile Shopping Centre when we took the bus to Penang.

So, what's Penang like? A god damn blast from the past compared to Singapore. I tend to have certain emotions from different places to grow unto me. For me, I associate Penang with feeling simple, laid back and totally drink kopi and chill all day long. Plus, a very hungry feeling. Hungry for Nasi Kandar and Penang Laksa!

The gig went on fine, without any major authoritative complications or whatsoever. Crowd for Massecration's set was pretty cool, all thanks to the RC guys and Dissectomy + Crew. Very memorable, being on stage once again. Where every second rushes by like a blur on the grey. Where every sight, sound and action just rushes and hits like a sledgehammer. Where every thought that equaled reaction is impromtu, where adrenaline takes over every limb. Very much enjoyed by myself.

Hotel stay and all was fine, with little complications here and there. Playing Indian Poker was probably a major highlight, getting high was another major highlight.

Towards the end of the trip, I was pretty down and out. Not wanting to leave, not wanting to bother about other people's relationships, not wanting to know what's going on, not wanting to face the bull rumaging in my 'chinashop'. I was a complete emotional wreck man, a total disaster. Everything just went wrong for me that last day. I felt like a walking timebomb, in every sense of the word.

Glad to be back, to face expensive cigarette prices, food, drinks and most of all a boring place that I have walked around too many times to remember enthusiasm. Damn.

I swear I'm still waiting for you.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Draconis Invignia

The great day is coming. Wah lao, stress can?

Bought the Dad dinner at Timbre today. Haha, and Mr Greg Lawrence bought us 2 pints of beer! Aiyah, it's the little things like this that make me really reconsider leaving the place.


Onward we shall venture into this lonely cold mist,
Eyes blinded, we shall take step by step hand in hand.
Into this unearthly worry and fear that plagues us.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Moments Of Silence

Oh, how I relish the moments of silence. The quiet serene portraits painted in my mind, still thoughts that wouldn't fade or move. A train in thought yet a discreet and slow observation of every creaking noise, every turning wheel. The silent distillation of every motion, where every neon flash seemed paramount.

I need a break, thank god for Penang and for the pay cheque. $836.42! It feels really good to have some cash once again. Yet again, my beau has flown off and it gets lonely and boring! Work work, here I come.

When it all fades away, who do you really see?