Relapse.
Finally, the motherfucking weekends are here. Oh but wait, there's nothing to look forward to. I have spent all my money developing my photos and buying new material. And I honestly do not even feel like going for Saturday's gig. But we Allianc-ed people must support one another.
You know what I really wanted? Cafe Del Mar with Vans, Syl, Phyza, Awool and maybe Jon. I just wanted to lie at the beach and watch everything pass me by. Get some weed from Ang and get high whilst the tide washes in gently time and time again.
And I intend to stay sober for April. You heard me?
Note to self; stay sober for April.
Lime Dimes.
Two days have just passed like that, I just blinked and it went by so quick.
Yesterday, sent Celest off at the airport. It was like a film reel flashing by as I watched my childhood love walk through the gate and off to another country. Oh, see you in 3 months I suppose.
Then the importance of checking the AM/PM thing on my phone alarm resonated like a church bell. I was supposed to get up at 12 in the noon for external drawing but yeah, you can pretty much figure out what happened. Soccer with TCP till lights out then drinks with the neighbour then off to Hai's birthday chalet.
That was where the problems started. The earlier kick from e33's started coming in, there were bottles and bottles of alcohol lying around. From wine to tequila to Chivas to about 6 bottles of Absolut. And yes, I got myself very very smashed. According to Jon, he found me lying face down in the toilet with my zip undone. Now, that I really don't remember along with a couple of other things. Got home, very very very stoned in the afternoon today and I have been watching Metalocalypse since then. Dethklok!
I have a ton of things on my mind that I'm just running away from. I really should seek help for my drinking man. I really really should. It's like a maze of some medieval blur, I don't belong here man. I don't belong in this time frame at all. I should be in the 70's, the articulate distinction between the two time frames are significantly disturbing.
Oh well, the human mind will never be contented I suppose.
As Bright As You
How do I put it all in words? I can't. I want to hold you again and let you know everything in my head. I miss you like missing a season but the season's gone for good.
What did you do to me?
I listened to Hey There Delilah by The Plain White T's ever since I received the file from Sibani. 'You know it's all because of you, we can do whatever we want to'.
I can't say I'm depressed. I smile and laugh too much but well enough deep inside I know it's a lost cause.
Abjection.
Mother, dry you eyes and stop crying. I will live without life but I will always be your precious little boy. Shivering and hugging you in the Australian cold; petty and grumpy early in the morning. Don't fear me, please.
Mischa, I hope you're doing okay. Even though you're gone already, we're living the lives they wish they could.
I am My Own.
My theories and concepts are perfect. So they say.
My final assessment is coming up in 2 weeks and I am very promising but yet lacking in actual work done. The answer to my paradox has never been so evident but yet every mechanical wheel in my head is begging for a break.
Celest leaves on Tuesday to glorious Perth.
Athena is busy with her own issues, Sibani is well a mystery as itself, Mal is still in Indonesia. Jesus christ, what a perfect time to be all alone eh?
I'm not looking forward to another tomorrow, another cycle of endless complications. It is tiring to be alive.
My death will be decided on my own terms.
Everything.
It's been on my mind ever since the day we stopped talking. Whether you really meant what you said and all the other excuses or reasons you quoted. In my defense, I have nothing. Only angry ranting to perhaps appease your enthusiasm in seeing my failure to deny your presence in my head the past few days.
I gave you everything I had, my loyalty, my compromise, my word and my love. It might have had been much to you or it might not have amounted to anything at all. But it was the most sincere, pure and human thing I have left to give. I don't have much in the material world. No car to drive you around, not much cash for late night partying or anything else. All I have is my music, my poetry, my words, my art, my honor and my heart. I dedicated them all to you. I was never going to be much anything significant to you, I was just a kiss and a couple of conversations. Somehow, I'd already known that and accepted it all as a fact. But I could not resign my senses. You were everything right in your own world of wrong, you were everything I could see myself love from a lifetime.
Now, you obviously have a new flame. A new someone or something, he's the best you say? Well, to quote the recently passed Jean Baulidard(or something like that). We say yes, because we don't believe in the aspects of No. And well, that's my agony for you right there.
So you said I was psychotic, weird, strange, freak, ugly, disturbing.. etc. And you left right there, with me clinging on to a hope that had been beaten senseless into a pulp. You destroyed all sources of possible contact, any source of regaining my pride in your eyes. You know I still have you here? Gravity always wins - You're ruining my life. I still rush and type 'ash' in my search box hoping that you'd be online or something. I still do, every once in awhile.
So I'm just a chapter or perhaps a page that you'll remember. That's about all you have of me. I remember you asking me, if I was here to stay or if I was just passing. Don't that seem like a lovely question now?
Nothing's changed. Nothing's changed in this world of grey, no colours or streaks to see the moon.
But you were passing, you weren't here to stay.
I'm sure you'll concoct some form of defense to beat me down again but even with the notion of it, you'll never respect me or that.
So I hope this will be a final goodbye though I doubt I can refrain another mention in this page again.
So, goodbye.
It's still a mystery.
I totally scraped Enigma Within, too damn safe in my opinion. There wasn't a certain deep dark revelation to it which I initially thought could have been done. Did the Truth Be Known interview for Revolt yesterday, of which I had drank quite a lot plus without getting any sleep the day before. Thus, leaving me very stoned this morning.
Rushed over to Bishan straight after class with 'first-aid' for Celest. The poor girl, no one has ever had their cupids that satanic and malevolent. Hung out with her at Cone's place which is her new home since she got kicked out by her parents. Did the write up and article there as well, to which she was very very tolerant of me totally ignoring her in the process. Oh gee, haven't we all grown. 11 years of friendship man, that's the oldest friendship I have right there.
I just spent an entire 7 hours watching different seasons and episodes of the series Scrubs. It's just one of those shows that I never got tired of, ever.
Massecration got itself into another shithole. Firstly, with the cancellation of FBO. Now, with the cancellation of the Indian band feature gig, Sledge or something like that. Like seriously, fuck balls.
You wanna hate me for saying something like that? Go ahead all right. Who's the one sticking their head and their time on the line doing all the PR shit. Who's the one selling the band to people everywhere, globally and locally. Who's the one who makes sure we don't look like idiots. I'm not saying it wasn't fun but just remember who's doing stuff. Yeah, call me egoistic or whatever you know. At least, I take god damn pride in being this good at what I do. I don't need a rockstar, I need someone to dig in the mud and shovel with me.
If there will be still be a band.
My heart is screaming out in denial, my lungs are giving way from all the screaming. How long more can I take this? I am sick and tired of everything that happening in my current situation. Mal's gone to Indo, Wei Ting's having her major papers, Celest is half here half there and besides she's too busy with her own issues. Jon is dealing with his usual problems that have not changed ever since the beginning of school term. Jon Progeria is forever with Danielle and all, for which I don't blame her for and all but it still gets to my head. Sylvia is super untouchable with her blood vomitting event and all. Emily is pretty much in her own world nowadays, which is good I suppose. Let's not discuss why I'm not writing a single name of the Massecration or Roughcast 'BROTHERS' in this matter as well. It's pointless to even dignify that thought with self-entertainment.
So who's left to shoulder the burdens with me man? Cookie? Jesus, fook yeu.
Rediscovering.
So the whole band thing has been thrown around and tossed in the air. I used to take so much pride in telling people about Massecration. How we got the name and the coffeeshop at Potong Pasir, how we all came about and lastly, how the band was rooted strongly in friendship. But now after being tossed like a salad, I don't know how to put it. Just that, this lacklustre is getting to me.
What if I just left it all alone? What if I threw these reins on the floor? I know you'll read this so I'll tell you once more. It will not be my grave loss.
What do you say?
I reformed the old band with Reuben. There's just something about the fella that is so charming, I don't know what. Like a familiar touch, we shall set foot together again.
There are many things keeping me busy these days. The further I delve in my personal short film project the more depressed I get. I'm writing the outline completely from the bottom of my heart and from all my expressive ability. I keep walking away from the laptop while writing, with a heavy weight resting inside of me. I don't know why. I'm discovering so much about what I feel inside that I am finally accepting what I've thought about life all along.
This might be my final masterpiece, my last call right before I pass along.
Regarding Rediscovery, I picked up all my whole albums. The first few metal albums I ever listened to. Kreator's Enemy Of God and Pleasure To Kill, Pantera's Planet Caravan, Metallica's Black Album. I put them on my playlist along with all 4 Pineapple Thief albums that I own. Lying on my bed, never able to fall asleep. A lucid happiness of recollection of Reuben and I, drunk as fuck, headbanging in his house.
It doesn't help that recently TCP has sorta been reunited. This tugging reminder of the secondary school days and how beautiful they were. It all just makes me hate life now.
I leave you now with Pantera's Planet Caravan lyrics.
We sail through endless skies
Stars shine like eyes
The black night sighs
The moon in silver trees
Falls down in tears
Light of the night
The earth, a purple blaze
Of sapphire haze
In orbit always
While down below the trees
Bathed in cool breeze
Silver starlight breaks down the night
And so we pass on by the crimson eye
Of great God mars
As we travel the universe
Tangerine Haze.
Cafe Del Mar is the shit I tell you.
About the short film thingy, to give a short overview; it's about how depression is the new wave pandemic that's spreading across our nation like wildfire. How relevant it is and how I see it from my point of view. Think propagandic, fist in the air, gungho kinda revelation. Don't get it? Well, I don't know how to explain it either.
In other news, I have an entire A1 piece to be handed up by this Thursday. And a semester's worth of classroom drawings to complete by tonight. So as I shall coin my latest catch phrase, I shall bid you all farewell.
Jesus, Mary, Gandhi, Buddha, Ganesh, Allah, Mohammed, Kali, hello!
Oh and Celest, time will tide all ills over. Be strong babe, take a break meanwhile.
Tangerine Haze.
Cafe Del Mar is the shit I tell you.
About the short film thingy, to give a short overview; it's about how depression is the new wave pandemic that's spreading across our nation like wildfire. How relevant it is and how I see it from my point of view. Think propagandic, fist in the air, gungho kinda revelation. Don't get it? Well, I don't know how to explain it either.
In other news, I have an entire A1 piece to be handed up by this Thursday. And a semester's worth of classroom drawings to complete by tonight. So as I shall coin my latest catch phrase, I shall bid you all farewell.
Jesus, Mary, Gandhi, Buddha, Ganesh, Allah, Mohammed, Kali, hello!
Oh and Celest, time will tide all ills over. Be strong babe, take a break meanwhile.
Tiles In Obscure Grey.
Very busy lately, working on my personal short film project. It's about life, depression, pain, loss and the torment thereafter.
It's called Enigma Within; Modern Day Exorcism.
Contraband For The Distraught
It's not really a question nor an answer but these days the weather seems to have gotten to my head. I've been strangely and massively affected by certain issues which I myself have no say in. Like a whispering unto deaf ears kinda tagline.
I find myself waking up in the wee hours of night to cook instant noodles, to listen to Cafe Del Mar, to find myself drawing oriental dragons and kois and writing the most absurbly beautiful poetry I've ever written in months. So beautiful that the notion of letting some other person read it feels like betrayal on the rocks.
I've basically totally fucked up school life. No critiques, last minute submission work and everything just lies on a dot before the red line. Yet, I'm not giving two fucks. I just want to stay home, draw my dragons twirling around on white paper, write my poetry till I get migraines for the lack of my seemingly extensive vocabulary and maybe paint.
This whole process of waking up early to go to school, to slog away and socialise with classmates is dry and dreary. This is not progress nor development. This is stagnating myself from true expression. Oh but wait, this isn't my life that I'm leading. It's society's, how could I forget.
What is there, really to be living for. Love? Money? Success?
It's a question that when someone finds the answer, aliens will pick him up from the skies and torment his anal openings like stepping on grapes in the vineyard.
I hope you miss me cranky in the morning, high on coffee.
Catching Splotches.
When my words fail to speak and no greys explain this feat;
and everyhthing I thought I knew begins to rush red on white.
And all I can say is that tears will flow today and that's the only way;
That I can paint, that I can paint, that I can paint.
This world has lost it's charm.
This pain is something I can't bear to live with anymore.
Is there really no remedy;
No fast cure or a quick scheme.
That will let me see in colours again, that won't drop me while I'm still in pain.
And all I can say is that tears will flow today and that's the only way;
That I can paint, that I can paint, that I can paint.
And all I can say is that these tears simply fall in vain and that's the only way;
That I can paint, that I can paint, that I can paint.
Ocean Sized Love
I've been listening to Ocean Sized Love on Celest's friendster page for like the 10th time already. Tired as hell, the body and mind is slowly dilapidating into a senseless and inevitable collapse.
Nothing much to say I guess. Soccer at 9 with Subra, Leslie, Shafiq, Jansher and all one year seniors. Off home in a cab, then cabbed again down to Beat Merchants for last jam with Roughcast. It's hard to put it. Alvin is so lucky as a vocalist, his band works around him instead of the other way round. Everything complements his vocals, drums to guitars to everything. Bitch. ;)
Full Battle Order was cool I guess. Horrible response but awesome sound and stage setup. Brad really took a huge risk man. I salut the fella! Salut my man! Band of the day? Rough-fucking-Cast ma'fuggers! Saluttt, honour to do backup vocals for my boys. I don't know why but that hiphop surge just came over me. I got my Flesh Disgored tee! Hell yea, SLIT THE FUCKING CLIT! And Truth Corroded's album tee. I'm broke like broken.
So now I'm all red, like lobsters on a chinese resteraunt's advertisment. Body all aching and very very poor now.
I'm turning in, for once. Lord, please give me sweet slumber from all this exhaustion. I have to stop thinking.
