FIGHTING MYSELF

So I have chained to my chair in this room that already stinks of metal rust and cigarette smoke stale in the cloth. I've been stuck here like a slave labourer, toiling the hours away in unrelentless determination.

An unwilling addict to this creation, like a crazed scientist, furiously trying out new methods and fueled by desperation. I have found myself losing my own sanity. Really, the symptoms are so irking I dare not mention them here in fear of falling deeper into this self-acceptance.

I slept at 11am, got up at 4pm. And now I'm about to set sail yet again in a merciless voyage of dull, craftwork. I must lose myself in an ocean that holds no wind and no waters. Just calm, drifting waves. I need to lose myself in here for just another day or two then I will be free.

Oh I've found work as well. PA for movie production shoot, Leap Of Love. 3rd Nov - 7th Nov. I'm proud of myself, to a certain extent of self-gratification and respect. I actually did some work for once, which is an achievement.

Lips are sore. Vitamin C overload ain't helping much which is strange because technically it should.

I love you babe, bear with me for awhile okay. Just till 1st Nov.

posted by JOEL @ 6:27 PM 0 comments

The pictures take my hand, a memory concealed within.
A timeless entity that absolve all beings.
The floor absorbs my fall out of consciousness,
This intoxication helps only my thirst.

A dream or a nightmare, the choices precede over my judgement,
that is wrecked by the irony of our pathetic history.
A lost cause in rebuilding all we had in our turn,
I'd try to forget it all, to write the ending of our story.

Moral dictates and our endless debates,
It suffocates the essence of innocence, a dying tragic mistake.
You're picture perfect in a portrait painted with Cupid's blood,
Encaptured for once, holding unto nothingness but the resemblance cannot be denied.

posted by JOEL @ 11:05 PM 0 comments

Self Imprisonment.

It's a jail cell, covered in sores, a hand reaches out in desperation. In the hope filled search that somehow, someone would understand. It's cold, darkened and gloomy. Colours speak of a zoned out, druggy atmosphere. He delves in his self pity and the constraints are the only things that leaves him to ponder on his thoughts. Catergorised, locked up and looked down upon. A lonely flame trapped in a world of darkened solitude.

Thoughts run wild. From past memories, to future fantasies, to present day suicidal. Images constrast, past lives intertwine, emotions frenzied.

He thinks of his past, what he could have done to salvage the present situation. He hates these bars, they lock him behind, like a slave to his own self-pity. His only salvation lies in his mind. They force feed him images of change, religion and acceptance in society. When your surroundings depress you to the point of suicide, what other choice do you have but to run wild in their words of freedom and a belonging to a greater understanding.

Standing, a lonely figure under the bright lights of speculation. Like an insect, trapped in a glass jar, observed, scrutinized and objected by a childly figure. Where his every reaction, draws the greatest of attention.

He knows. He knows they watch him. Under a magnified disgust and jealousy. He knows they taunt him and gossip behind his back. But he is ignorant, he does not bother anymore. Why be troubled by temporary specifications and dependence of self-acceptance.

HE.

posted by JOEL @ 12:22 AM 0 comments

http://www.mrbrownshow.com/?p=348

Mr Brown lights up my life. Seriously, I listened to this and all the woes of incomplete work just whooshed away, out the window.

Watched Daddy Day Care. Very funny! I don't know why the comments of LAME and DISTURBED KID came about when I said I was going to watch it.

Not much mood to blog, sophisticated, emotional complexities.

I got PM-ed on soft.com.sg today. Invitation to play Singapore's Count Down to 2007 @ Boon Lay. Wow. Is this our big spot? Hahaha, death metal played live in the heartlands? Unlikely. I honestly think it's just a mistake some guy made.

Back to drawing.

posted by JOEL @ 3:51 AM 0 comments

"The stars are dancing a lifeless tune."

Stayed home all day today. Sat in the lazyboy chair from god knows what time till after Apprentice which ends at 1130. I cannot stress how much procrastination is the ideal way to end up broke and poor.

So boys and girls. If you want to become a fat, old, jobless, loner? Procrastinate. I'm giving procrastination workshops straight from my home. But I may or may not wake up for classes, just a little warning.

The Dad is in a good mood today. Bought me Satay Bee Hoon, which indirectly caused the stomacheache( or was it the menthol cigs?) and Big Mac for me! Which means he is in a good mood and actually thought about what I would like to eat otherwise he would have just bought chicken rice from the lousiest chicken rice stall in Singapore. Surpri-zing.

I caught Matrix(the 3rd one I presume) today. Keanu Reeves is the bomb lah, totally. I know I'm a dude but you gotta admit, he is superbly goodlooking. Those dark eyes and that shallow stare. Oh fuck, am I turning bi- already? This is weird.

Anyway, the movie made me think deep thoughts. Like deep throat, deep. I believe the perplexity it all created was just due to that very conceptualised fact that we human beings, appreciate the Materialistic aspect as well as the Charecteristic aspect. You know you know? It's okay, I'm confusing to myself at times.

I started on wire one for my 3D face today. Slight jubilation at actually commencing on the damn project which has been sitting on my to-do list since god knows when. Assessment is coming soon and the workload is tremendous. I usually end with lines like 'God save me.' But I've gotten really sick of it, so I shall say.

God save me if I actually do shit. Yee-haw.

posted by JOEL @ 1:11 AM 0 comments

I wish I could be cool and calm all the time. Never paranoid, never freaky. I know you think I am now, probably. I myself am not sure what's happening inside of me.

I feel lost, again. I feel like I've lost the one person who could understand me and my words. I feel like I'm drowning once again in self-pity and unacceptance.

It all feels all little overboard. Everything. Like why am I behaving so strangely and why are you able to pull off nonchalence so easilly.

I'm sorry anyway.

posted by JOEL @ 9:55 PM 0 comments

The hours have passed and now I very proudly am 18 years and a day old. If there was a reuquirement for one to wear a nametag that stated his birthdate, I would be the proud ambassador. Just for today.

Reuben, Leslie, Subra, Daniel.

Four people that probably would sum up my years from 15-17. My secondary school chums that I spent every dreary day with and despite seeing so much of each other- I don't think there actually was a time to prove that over-fondness deliberates boredom.

We sat, ate, talked about old memories. From passing out at staircases, to egging matreps, to getting beaten up, to getting drunk, to being the greatest bunch of friends one could ever have. Oh yes, we drank too. A little too much in my opinion.

I seem to have this problem. When I am drunk and when I have money, the whole world goes topsy turvy. The choices that verbally 'scream' out for me to make are always the wrong ones. I have a problem with alcohol, I need help.

Do you knows guys like I do? The guy aspect of brotherhood and machoism. Guy friends don't have besties with other guy friends. It's an unspoken code of honour that we have always managed to hide ever so well beneath our pride. I don't know if most guys would agree with me. But guys and guys don't celebrate birthdays with a cake for another guy. I mean, we're the neighbourhood schook kid type, who plays soccer, hangs out, pulls pranks, gets drunk kinda dudes. Our bond is kinda like a macho one, you know. The stereotypical DUDE kind. The cake stirred my feelings like a blender, I was so touched to the point of salty tears leaning down my cheeks, nearly. But being typical macho guys, I held them back.

Took a picture. Something that I'll keep for a long time. I'm so sure when I'm like 25 and when we've all lost contact somehow, that the picture will make me cry everytime I look at it. I already feel like aged wine thinking about the last line.

You know the ones whom you think are special to you. Keep them close and never let them go, ever. I'm gonna go down trying. And this is a damn Brokeback Mountain Moment. Fuckaroos.

I'm not one who doesn't make things memorable or doesn't remember things. I've made every important friendship, every one I've hated, every one I've loved and every one who didn't love me- I kept them all up in my 9cm forehead. And I'll always remember this day, thanks guys.

posted by JOEL @ 2:22 PM 0 comments

Breaking Benjamin rocks, fucking hard.

So it's the birthday today. Spent the early of today with the neighours. Jon and Hilmi for a short while. Drinking, reading Nira's feature in Maxim and so on.

I'm sorry you feel hurt, I really do. Emily, if there's anything I can do to help you, I want to. I meant what I said and I'm not gonna watch you fall into the ditch wishing for something better. Please do take care.

Meeting Reuben, Leslie, Subra and who knows who else later at 9 at Tian Tian Lai. Old hang out, lotsa beer-ed memories and good food. Before that, it's dinner with pops and por(aka Pozzy Posbourne).

Will decide to update later, if the birthdate is somewhat memorable.

Thanks to the people that remembered my birthday. I love you guys!

posted by JOEL @ 3:18 AM 0 comments

I feel so pushed to the edge, I want to give up. I watched Nip/Tuck yesterday morning, one line struck me.

It goes, "I've been living off your talent for years and you know it." That's me I guess. I can bullshit, make friends, talk cock but I don't have any other talent than writing simple stuff. What am I to do?

External drawing today was fine. The art work is a different matter altogether. It hurts to know that this might be the last external drawing class I have with the class and Seck.

If the roads leads to failure, I'm taking off. I really mean, taking off.

posted by JOEL @ 9:49 PM 0 comments

Happy happy day. Thanks to the very kinky and fun person. Very much appreciated. Whoops.

Well, gonna sleep early. Did some photoshop for fun just now. Tired, tired.

posted by JOEL @ 11:43 PM 0 comments

I watched you walk by again, in a prance meant to tease.
My tempted eyes, that bled begging you for more.
So now the lights have gone blank, and so have my thoughts,
Wandering around the curves of your pretty dress.

I'm a far cry for your screams and the sun's coming up quick.
Visibility improves which leads to my noisy feet scooting away.
The light scares me, but you bring down fear from the sky.
It's too embarassing to let you watch me, watch me die.

A moment to congress all these petty little thoughts,
A summary to remind me of all the day I got caught,
Picturesque, those murderous eyes.
That made me wish I could just fly.

posted by JOEL @ 7:49 PM 0 comments

Got up at 3.30 today. Ate, watched the telly till 5. Gonna start on some work soon, hopefully.

I hope to accomplish some work done today. I really do.

I am sick of myself and I can barely tolerate my own procrastination anymore. Everybody's tryna help but I'm not doing anything about it.

Wish me luck.

posted by JOEL @ 5:15 PM 0 comments

It's 6 now. I'm blowing smoke rings, with a horrible neck pain(all thanks to the sickass crazy moshing.) and thick snort congesting my left nasal cavity. One of the most memorable days in the month(hopefully not the most, since the birthday is coming.)

It was Slayer, motherfuckers!

Slayer tore through us as we did through the $60 or aka Poor Side Baricade. I guess when you've toured that long, you are bound to be good. And since they are the mighty mighty Slayer, they have to be that good eh? Headbang like fuck, mosh like crazy and losing myself to the music. I like.

I got a bit pissed off when some nigga(literally.) rippped my left ear plug out. He was aiming for it, how else do you fucking take a ear plug out by accident. I have 18mm plugs on both ears, they're screwed on tunnels. They don't come out by accident. Thank god for two people that day. My knight in glorious dark skin who found my plug and a malay dude that sensed my pissedoff-ness and told me to chill. Racial harmony, thanks guys. Although you'll probably never see this.

People were awesome. Met Jon Paul from school there as well, Hannah, Anil and Kaze from Vintage, Reuben, Bryan from the old band, Eugene from Dissectomy and the drummer of Dawn Phenomenon.

Sadly, the shirt that I bought could not get signed by Slayer. What a waste, I already thought of where to hang up the framed autographed shirt in my room, and what colour the frame would be.

Then Clarke Quay to makan. Met up with Matthew, Jason, Sham, and Shawn. Matt aka CD stealer couldn't drink anymore so I had free beer which probably explains the nasal congestion. Then the whole big big group of us with the addition of Jon Progeria, Hans AOTS, Penang guys and Desmond's friend Debbie went to jam. Played everything from LoG to Nile to Job For A Cowboy to Killswitch.

I honestly hope the Penang guys had fun and that their 'mini-jamming' wasn't ruined by a certain invididual desperate to showcase his muscial 'talents' and such. OH WELL.

Oh yeah, check out this band. The Follow at www.thefollow.net , Kickass crazy indie stuff. I love their song Dead Wrapped In Fashion.

I woke up to receive airmail from Mom. My birthday gift. I love my mother, I really really do. She's the sweetest thing that the furthest away from home. I love you Mom.

posted by JOEL @ 6:01 PM 0 comments

Today during PPD, Sawn discussed assesment. And honestly I am terrified that I will fail. Not only is failing, highly possible, it is also very very most likely to happen. I'm dazed as fuck, two terms are just about to be wrapped up.

I am fucking afraid, very fucking afraid. Is it a sense of final realisation or something similar, I don't fucking know and honestly the answers scare me.

I don't want to get kicked out, I actually am liking what I do now. As much as I applaude bravery, the fear is setting in.

I don't want to lose great friends. I don't want to lose the chance of getting my diploma before national service.

Slayer's tomorrow. Short break before hell comes sweeping down.

posted by JOEL @ 1:46 AM 0 comments

Something from the gallery display at school. Damn smooth lah, it has this kid's spelling toy. O is for Orgy. Hahah, beat that mofos.

Hmmm, just back from drinking with Jon Progeria(www.myspace.com/progeria) and Hilmi joined us after. Lepaked, talked about Nira, I drew. Blah blah.

I think I wanna major in art history. Fuck film and drawing. I might not enjoy it but writing is something I've always liked. What should I do?

I can't seem to find out why you always want to talk like that. You make me want to hold on to you and never let you go. I can't find a reason why I have this uncontrollable reaction when you say the wildest things. Are you the revenge from my past come sloweth?

posted by JOEL @ 1:52 AM 0 comments

Disgorge - She Lay Gutted.

Just got my copy from the very cheery Chan of Inokii today. Fwah lan, how should I put it. Other than 'this is the music I wanna make', I don't know what else can describe the way I feel about my latest buy. Shiok-ness.

Lepaked after school today with Vijesh and Umar plus Chris (Nihilistic Hate) and some girl in my school that I had no idea about. They talked about metal and more metal. Boring. Umar is good company though, I think when he shaves he looks pretty much like Ian Hamartia. To his displeasure of course.

Then off to Bugis's Long John to meet Ally, Gabriel, Matt, Darren, Zaila, Zaila's bf, Zalikha, Sukma, Haikal, Ain and Jon. I think I missed slacking with the mats. Fun ah. Surprisingly, I cannot to Ally in person. Shy, perhaps. Hor, Auntie?

School was fine. Heleston didn't bitch even though he's a bitch.

posted by JOEL @ 10:21 PM 0 comments

I have had no time to bum around. No chance at all, it's been stoning at home in front of the laptop and doing bits and pieces of my wire work. I hate myself for procrastinating.

Anyway, this post is more of what I did between the hours of 1600 to 0800. Hahah, sounds so 24.

Met with the Agnes at Tampines, bummed around, ate. Saw Gillian Ann Tan Pei Ying(aka The Girl of Sec2), went to Toa Payoh to meet Alvin and then to Potong Pasir. Let's say we thought everybody else decided to not meet up at the last minute.

Then to my shock and surprise, Hakim actually went to Toa Payoh to look for us, thinking that we were still there. A play on my emotions or not, I don't know. Guys just don't bother about such stuff. We are too manly and macho to bother about sensitive issues, gah.

We climbed the spiderweb thing, mini-workout at the senior citizen's 'gym', wanted to make a music video(which never happened, sadly). Sat around talked cock. You know why I love hanging out with the Roughcast gang? Because we end up doing the weirdest of things that contribute ever so evidently to my health and well being.

From using a makeshift plastic seat as a 'skateboard' to jumping over garden benches to playing weird band name games. I missed out alot of stuff like that during secondary school sitting around coffeeshops, playing soccer and being a complete social reject.

And what's more I laugh like hell.

Back to the mundane life of a lazy, procrastinating art fag. Wirework.

posted by JOEL @ 6:39 PM 0 comments

I chanced upon this emokid's blog earlier. She had so many thoughts and poems on killing herself. Lines such as 'Warm blood, down this cold skin. The relief.' Which is actually really good poetry. Then I read more entries and then realised why she wanted to kill herself. Her mom would not give her an extra 10bucks a week. Damn you emokids, you make suicide a joke.

If I were ever to end my life with my own hands, it would be for no other reason than that this life was started beautifully, and so it should end as a right of my own as my own expression towards this condemned society.

Like Jon Of Dissection, that sense of completion in life and the accomplishment of his life's purpose. That would inspire me to end my life. It's when you reach the end of all the questions you have left, the end of all hopes for a new dream.

I stood by the kitchen window grill after waking up. Head soaked with thoughts of the denial of my life. I lived 17+ years in perfect happiness, with a couple of minor setbacks but somehow everything has never reached an extreme low-ness. I have no questions on my future, I know I will accept everything that there is to come and always make it a little better for myself and the ones around me. I know it, it's ingrained in my bones to be happy all the time.

So, I thought and I thought about death. The beauty, the art involved. If I were to end my life, please do take pictures of my body language, my eyes, the surroundings. I assure you that the photos would sell.

My life was the conception of a marriage, my death shall be the consumate of a revolution.

posted by JOEL @ 5:05 PM 0 comments

SLAYER TICKETS!

Thank god, ticket collecting can also be done at any SISTIC outlet. And I must really applaud the countergirl at SISTIC Tampines Mall. She put up with one hell of a bitchy customer, then she got to me. I, being blur as usual forgot all about the password thing which the LAMC girl told me about thought I was gonna get ripped off. Anyway, thank you countergirl! You are a matyr for goodservice!

Slayer's coming, birthday's coming. This is the most eventful point of every year. So many things happened during October the past few years. Gaby, Getting punched in the face, parent's shit.

I remember my last birthday. Subra, Leslie and I went to Princess to watch Taxi. Then we planed LAN. Goddamn, do I miss my secondary school chums or what. A year ago, I would have never thought this would happen. This distance would have seemed impossible but I guess as life goes on you learn to do without some things.

Birthday plans? None. Just wanna get drunk after a good meal with friends. I don't care what people get me for my birthday anymore. Seriously. Birthday gifts and expectations have grown so stale and old. I feel older, less expectant and more pathetic.

What's next to look out for?

posted by JOEL @ 7:30 PM 0 comments

Death, in itself. The word, the meaning, the images that come to mind, is beautiful. Still and serene, enclosed in a wooden box with glass windows that you don’t stare out of. You become the object of attention, lent to the eyes of the observer to notice features, wrinkles. You become a canvas, beautifully drawn out of life’s cruel fate. An object for fixation, a grieving audience, crying people with nothing other than affection for you. Attention seeking? Perhaps it is after all. Aren’t we all craving for a little observation as and when. The pretty clothes you wear, the dire efforts put into your hair, makeup, clothes and speech. You have it all at your wake.

We live our lives, day to day. Working, studying, playing, dancing, angry, sad, happy, stressed. At our demise that we fear ever so evidently, we are finally released from all commitment, erased from the world as we know it. Imagine, no more stress, no more work to do, no more people to please, no more debts, no more emotion. Just time left to reflect what we did and what we could have done. Surely, the deep down anxiety of what you didn’t do would plague the deceased. But what more can one ask for, it is the end of achievement. Which in turn also reflects upon the end of failure, the end of disaster, the end of not being able to care, the end of everything.

You will have no more fears of other individualistic acceptation, no more fears of love gone wrong, no more lives to change.

After all, on the basis that most people have gone through everything like I have. What’s there to regret? You’ve done everything physically possible to enjoy yourself, to hurt yourself, to hurt others, to love, to hate. What’s there left to experience other than the end? We are all merely composites of a universe that will operate whether or not our being is present in it’s conclusive achievements. We will be forgotten in time to come, when presence leaves only the memories behind, it is inevitable that the dying flames of your existence will die out as well.

We were procreated to achieve, fail and then die out. At very most create a generation of descendants that will fight so hard to survive in this already diminishing world and then die out in the end. Just like us.

posted by JOEL @ 9:56 PM 0 comments

I'm supposed to do a presentation thingy on youth cultures. Anything from metal to skinheads to punks to ahbengs to matrapes. Isn't that just simply entertaining? No, not being sarcastic this time. The sarcasm thingy is becoming a serious habit which isn't very good. Thank god I'm not such vindictive saddistic bitch. Aren't you all happy? See it's working again.

What have I been listening to alot on my mp3? Tokyo Ska Paradise, all thanks to Awool. Fwahh lan eh, seriously damn good to listen to while doing work. It's so vibey, I like.

Let's see. Slayer ticket collection tomorrow, 2D presentation on faces, meeting with Miss Loo on Friday. Haven't been this busy for a long long time and the feeling is just terrible. I am running from place to place, getting stressed out and tired every single day. It's kinda like I dread the time when the alarm clock rings. I just wanna lie down and stare at the ceiling till the afternoon again.

Got back my essay on TOYS. B. Good or bad, I don't know. I'm used to getting A's for writing and now I get a B but I did spend just 15minutes writing it up so, I don't know.

Hmmm, that day was talking to Chanel on msn. She said something superbly weird. Zoo 1 to 1. We were imitating ahbeng ahlian broken english speech. Hahah, I said housepour means pouring a class of water at home. Hyper.

I have to start 3D projects now, this very minute kinda now. The past 2 days have been sitting in front of the laptop, droning the hours away on mrbrown.com and msn. Let's not even talk about research done. Fuck, I am so screwed.

Okay, time's up. Time to get back to having no life.

You think I'm goodlooking while I think you're pretty. Let's have a go, or are you afraid of non-committment.

posted by JOEL @ 7:58 PM 0 comments

Hmmm, part 2 of the About Me shit.

I think I am a metal poseur. I mean I like listening to blast beats and slamming parts but I honestly don't think I am br00tal or tr00 enough to be a full blown metalhead. When I'm emo, I listen to Taking Back Sunday and cry my eyes out(I do cry, so it means I am sensitive! Wheee!. When I wanna chill, I listen to Snow Patrol and Creed. When I feel like walking quickly or lifting, I have to listen to Prodigy or Lamb Of God. Nasum for when I wanna stone, Job For A Cowboy when I have nothing better to do.

I have a big ego. I think I am damn good at what I do. Damn good, but room for improvement lah of course. I am referring to vocals. Yet again, pride comes before a fall so oh shit, hope it's not a big longkang.

I think my face is super buang. I look in the mirror and wonder, where does the good looking, attractive aspect come in? I wonder. I wonder.

I am turning 18. Guys at 18 are usually at their prime. They go clubbing, hook up with chicks, get laid every once in awhile, tan at Sentosa, take off their shirts to reveal perfectly sculpted bodies. I however, miss what I had(Or did not have).

I am a mommy's boy. I love my Mom so much that I would probably kill for her. She's been my sole pillar of support and love through the tough years. And the person I love most is in Australia. Ironic.

I always wanted to be a policeman. Ironic. Very very.

I wanted to be in Mass Comm. Ironic but not so much as the above.

I want to be a writer, photographer, director, cameraman, soundman, production assistant, bartender, and most of all a rockstar. All at the same time.

I always thought I would be rich, very stinking rich. That I would lead an easy life, hence the wonderful O level results.

I am still waiting for the She to appear. I am still horny, and now slightly hungry. But I am round(Thank you Ally.) therefore I shall not eat. I shall starve, turn anorexic have model like figure and have the iq equivalent of a toad. Yay.

posted by JOEL @ 1:03 AM 0 comments

I would love to type this in Friendster's About Me section.

I am 17+. I yearn for a stable relationship that involves, dvd watching at my place on weekends because I have no money to splurge at clubs on the weekends(I am an art student, it requires me to spend money on material such as metal wire, mounting board, nice tees and pants, etc etc.)I'd also like us to eat together at my place, which I would cook of course. In which the girlfriend will grow extremely fat like me because I love cheese in my food and also because I believe no weekend should be spent without beer. Sex in the relationship is somewhat important. I have had no sexual activity since early this year. I am sex-starved, horny and now already pissed off at the thought of wanking. But yet again, it is okay. I can survive for awhile more on the right hand.

I have a golden retriever, they are cute, cuddly(Will forget to mention horny here.). They are supposed to attract girls when I walk him, they are supposed to go 'Oh my god, he is so cute. Play with him, cuddle and then talk to me about him. I in return will give them the impression that I am an ambassador for animals. Tell her how much I love him and that I cried when my other dog passed away(THIS IS TRUE.).

The girlfriend and I can then walk hand in hand and walk Cookie. We will stare at people, laugh, have intelligent conversations and feel like we are the world, and the world outside is unimportant.

I am vocalist for two bands. Massecration, which is a death metal band of which I am entirely dedicated to and Anger Artistry. Anger Artistry is a band based on a metalcore/emocore/hardcore concept. Basically, instead of growling and telling you how I will murder you and liberate mankind of political oppression(Like in death metal), I will scream for hours on how this girl left, cheated and made use of me. It is supposed to show a more sensitive side to me. I already have big earlobes, I see it to be emo. However, I first enlarged my earlobes because I was a chinese ahbeng wannabe and I thought it was cool. Now, I see it more of a hindrance. People stare at me, wondering which native tribe I come from and love to arouse me by twirling their fingers around my earhole.

I have tattoo which covers my entire left calf. It is based on a war theme. It was painted by Luis Royo, the final piece was drawn by Baldwin and Joseph(Visual Orgasm). It is big, ahbeng looking and it features a goat. No, I do not like Black Metal even though I do listen to it. I was born Catholic and honestly when things go bump at night, I pray for forgiveness and safety. That's how pathetic I am. I still believe that religion is for people who require a deeper sense of belonging and assurance. I happen to be one of them, unwillingly.

I am about 174cm tall, 71kg and I am pudgy. I wasn't always like this until I was introduced to the pleasures of drinking beer. I have a mini beer belly already. I do not want to know how I'll look like when I'm 40. No thank you, I can already picture myself. I do work out, in the toilet, accomplishing 60 pushups a set and when I am very very free I hit the gym. Only to be daunted by the huge huge people with treetrunks for arms. They intimidate me on purpose, lifting up to 90, while I lift a mere 55. I used to be able to jump 55cm, vertically. I used to be slimmer, faster and less chubby. I blame myself for loving beer.

I like church girls, or girls that resemble them. I guess the sweetest girlfriends come from churches. They are devoted, loving, caring and kinda horny. They speak good english and more often than not think intelligent thoughts as well.

I love my music. I can sing clean(I think.) but I chose to growl and scream. To me, I am an abstract artist. I don't need to shout to make you feel anger, listen to my intonations and voice. You will feel the rage already.

I study in LaSalle SIA. An art college. I however, cannot draw. My Mom was a Art HOD and is now studying in UNSW; COFA. That would make me think I am some art prodigy. Sadly, I cannot draw. I am going to LaSalle merely to escape national service for another 3 years. And hopefully come out of LaSalle with a diploma in Film. Film interests me. It pays well too.

I admire people who are slim, muscular, good looking. The effort needed to remain that way. But I can screw pudgy girls.

I adore people who are intelligent, witty and sarcastic. It is a major turn on.

I write poetry, lyrics. I believe I am more sophiscated if I confuse people with vocabulary.

Writing has probably been my only true ability. Other than that, I am hopeless.

All right, tired now. Enough of depressing posts.

posted by JOEL @ 8:29 PM 0 comments

So who remembers faces? Chiselled into perfection, broken down into a case of imaginary fixation.
Whose youth shall never fade, like waters of a spring, may your skin never age like the mortal decay within you.
I am one great of an empty rebellion, the rising star of a falling claim.
Adored by none, faithful to all.
It is I who seeks conscience, in duel for my sanity and self-respect.
It is I, aged by time and by man.
It is I, who shall defy you.
It is I, who shall spit on the ground before you.

posted by JOEL @ 7:44 PM 0 comments

I spent the entire day lost in my laptop. From MSN to youtube to friendster-ing. I love it, the liberty of a laptop, a fast(non-laggy) computer. I feel like I've been deflowered once again. YARRGH!

3D work is as usual the bulk of the week's shitload. 7x7cm cube later, plus 3 contour remodels(30x30cm). God bless my condemned soul.

I find myself lost in your smile. So dangerously appealing, you work like a high that always fades 5 seconds too early. You're so far, so different. So perfect. So sweet, so intangible, so impossible to reach.

I wish I could pull you down from your heavens and taint you with the mortal decay from this world. It would make things easier, to accept. But you're like an angel fluttering on happiness and a killer smile.

I AM CONFUSED.


Search me, scrap the rust off this emotionless being.
I am a great in an empty rebellion, a rising star in a falling claim.
I am He. I am man.

posted by JOEL @ 10:06 PM 0 comments

My lappie has a MS card reader! How cool is that. Anyway, some pics from face painting 2D class. Bored, tryna make the blog a little more interesting. TRYING.

posted by JOEL @ 3:16 PM 0 comments