When Innocence turns to Desire
It is the turning point, a change in normality, a rebel call, a fight for liberty, a song for chaos, a call to truthfulness. It is the Denial Of Innocence, a new song I'll be writing soon.
Ahhh, finally have sometime to myself to sitback and just enjoy time passing a little. No running around being late for work or meeting so and so. Just letting time pass as I stare out the window, thinking over comittments and other troubling thoughts that yearn to grab me down into their seas of distress.
I just want to stone.
Watching Obscurity Dominate
Situations and more situations. I don't mean to compare but people are giving me my worth elsewhere. I know where I stand, I know how much I deserve.
Jamming with Ewan and bunch today was awesome. Very very good for a first jam. In fact probably the tightest first jam I have ever had. You know how first jams go lah, like the first 'dung-tah, dung-tah'(Quote: Greg Timbre)- it's always satisfactory but nothing solid in comparison to a good 'dung-tah, dung-tah' or jam.
I must say, Randall Blythe is my inspiration for doing death metal vocals. Or metalcore, whatever you wanna call Lamb Of God. He has set a new standard, a new beginning to a different age of death metal vocalist and even more difficulty to separate the 'there' and the 'not there' vocalists. Respect.
Work today? Fucking tiring. You wouldn't expect near to full house customers for a Thursday, neither did any of the staff today. Busy as hell, rude bitchy Italian(or French?) customers who hate being billed early and no thanks to the Corona promo that's driving the customers wild. Just me and this cute lil' thing called Pam running around Timbre's floors, serving and taking orders. The new OM is quite okay, very like a blur grandpa though. Ah, thank god for the nice customers. German group, SMU babes(with boyfriends, ARGH!), to very sweet looking girls(with girlfriends, double ARGH!).
I guess that's one of the perks of working at Timbre aye? Paycheque is coming soon. Cash goes to Penang trip, to tattoo completion, to guitar, to Dad. Where's the cash left for leisure spending! And the Great Singapore Sale! Considering inputing cash into World Cup betting adventures again, brain says no but greed says yes. Die lah.
I watch obscurity dominate you, ever so slowly, so deceitfully.
What Lies Beneath
After reading the post, I feel quite fucked up. Like abit unreasonable eh? Apologies to the above mentioned and all related parties.
Spent quite a bit of time thinking about it and I just realise one thing about myself that I probably cannot or will never change. A little list actually, here goes. Washing my dirty laundry in public.
- I am a very proud bitch.
- I dislike criticism, unless I really suck at the thing.
- I cannot work with people who want to take charge of me.
- I do not have a good attitude towards correction unless I suck at it.
And hence, very unpleasant to work with. I believe in my art, so much so that I need so much control over it. No power sharing, no second thoughts, no need for anybody to tell me what to do. Thus, I am very childish and unprofessional. Aiyah, what to do. After all I've always had my say and watched my groups progress and improve, I don't doubt my abilities at all.
So what lies beneath my cheerful disposition? This is what I see. A power crazy megalomaniac that craves compliments and respect for his seemingly perfected art. This beast in me, my instinctive behaviour to shove my opponents to the ground and to smother the life out of their arguments. A cruel figure that accepts no opposition, that acts without remorse or consideration.
I need someone to tell me right from wrong, someone whom I can communicate on a professional yet respectful level.
So once again, sorry.
Entertainment
So the experience of being a customer at Timbre was rather distasteful. I'd rather believe I give great service to the customers. Timbre has grown a very homely feeling on me, very much like that second home kinda feeling you have at school. Boon and bane, boon and bane.
I feel that sometimes people don't respect me enough. It takes more than just a single comment to break through my pride, it takes action. It's true that I have a rather big ego and that I do not take criticism as well as others might. I put my best effort into things and just like every other normal human being I do not expect compliments. I just expect the basic forms of respect that is due. I don't need people who don't know shit to tell me I need to improve. I don't need friends to tell me what to expect and I sure as hell don't need anybody to disrespect me. I take criticism well, from people who deserve my admiration and respect.
Call me a proud bastard, go ahead. I've already admitted to that but it's just that simple. Give me the due respect. If I can push myself over my limit then you better fucking do the same. And if at the end of the day I'm really not good enough then goodbye. I'm not interested in improving together with you if you don't put your head on the line or push that wall as hard as I do. Things you don't see me doing, the effort I put in and my repeated attempts to correct myself. Things that you don't see, that you don't know about.
To the above mentioned parties whom I'm sure know that I am referring to you. Take criticism well then perhaps improvising will help us out.
The best part is that you know me well enough. I'm not professional.
Agonyville
What a day.
Woke up at fucking one plus to get ready for the big gig. Featuring killer bands like Oshiego, Arbitrary Element and Predatory. And guess what. I pay $12 for two and a half songs. No thanks to the extremely undeserving service we got from some fat fuck whom I assume to be the bouncer. Terrible terrible event management. Regards go out to Rizal for doing what he could and trying to organise a great event.
A big bunch of us (AOTS, Oshiego and friends plus Desmond, Aggy and Myself) went to Megatherion for a DIY mini-gig featuring Oshiego and AOTS. Fun but really would have loved to seen the Malaysian bands nonetheless.
Bummed around Funan foodcourt for abit then to Cheers then the 1 hour number 12 busride home, without any music!
Anyway, working tomorrow. I need a good shag.
Death be thy Order
MARCHING TO OUR DEATH!
I must say jamming that day probably saved my metal life. Everything in the band is all right now, feelings wise. Which is quite shocking for me.
Openstage was held at Timbre today. Saw many people that I never expected to see. Pak Hong from playing soccer at TCP, Marc from working on the set of Double Chin 2 and the cook from Big O! Hahah, they say the world is a small place. Because they haven't been to Singapore yet. It was a rather fun filled working day today. Loads of chicks everywhere, from Jim Beam girls to the crowd. Hahah, actually didn't even feel like work man. After my first sip of live indie music, I actually really wanna start playing it myself! Very happy happy stuff, I like.
Working at Timbre is getting so fun it actually doesn't feel like a job at all. The people, the crowd, the staff. Aiyah, just fun lah. It's gonna be simply horrid when I leave them.
Father's Day tomorrow. Hmmm, my Dad and I have that machoism thing going on. We don't hug or say I love you. We are MEN. Haha, oh well. Everybody go wish your Dad a Happy Father's Day okay. Then buy him chicken rice or what. After all, no matter what shit he does. He always loves you and will never leave you to fall on your own. I know that for sure. Cheers everyone!
TIRED
Tired as hell, barely had 6 hours of sleep and I'm off to another long long day. That ends at 3 or 4 on Saturday. My body screams for caffeine. No joy for the living, only remorse for the dead.
God bless us all on this very tired day.
Plague
A star for your smile, the moon for your beauty.
That stole my endless devotion and scarred this beast of pride.
Fading along with time, I've come to realise.
That we truly will never ever be able to be side by side.
Moments, enclasped into time.
Memories, of childish sincerity that sigh,
Along with the begotten hopes of a mistaken past.
I watched you dissapear into the dark.
Step by step, away from me.
Away from my insanity, away from all the terror.
That I wreak with every step.
That I miss with every last gasp.
15th June
So many deadlines and projects coming up in July. Herald Of Decay, a brutal death band formed with Tommy(ex-AOTS) then Taste Ov Insanity in Penang then Laselle starts which is gonna be a huge load of my time. My my, sure as hell hope I can juggle everything.
The World Cup is certainly a good source of income for me. Big smile.
Jamming tomorrow with Massecration, after a long break. Looking forward to it, just have that urge to scream. My last form of 'high' left. I guess tomorrow will decide if I stay have that inner angst in me left for Metal.
Ahhhh, missing all the old people.
It was simply bliss, seeing you today.
Walking along Patience
Have you ever spent minutes silenced by your own pride?
Sat along the walls of disgrace and wondered into time,
Only to see reflections of our sympathy starring into your eyes.
Have your ever watched the sun set and the moon go by?
Seeking reprisal in the darkness of solace.
I watched every turn pass me by.
Images of a past I barely recognise,
Voices turning into screams that fade in the light.
This Me that has walked no forth,
This you that will walk no forth.
An innocence of our very being endless in its purity.
I cannot kill what I did not create.
So is all the curiosity over, yet?
Walking home from my bus stop yesterday, to find two guys sitting at the playground near my block drinking. Just as I approach closer, one says "Joel Heng Sheng Dao!". I swear I couldn't recognise my old chum, Reuben Singh. Well, he is Indian after all and I guess when it comes to the night. Visibility of them gets to a certain low eh?
Anyway, we end up chatting about old times in school. Doing this and that and I seriously meant a hell lot of stuff. From getting chased by cops, to getting caught, to running away, to drinking after school, to passing out along Geylang Serai's overhead bridge to even fucking around with girlfriends. That's how much shit we did. One hell of a ride Reuben, it's been one hell of a ride.
I won't deny that I loved my secondary school life. It probably was the fondest and most memorable of times I've had in these coming 18 years.
Cheers to all the missing brothers from TCP. Leslie, Reuben, Shawn Subra, Shafiq, Daniel, Shawn Tan and YingHao. Dearly missed. And also to the non-TCP gang people. Jansher, Tian Rui and Mike. Thanks all of you guys for giving me one hell of a time at SHSS. Much appreciated, cheers and beers!
I never meant to let you down.
Was off today. So I got up around 11am, went to Loyang Point just to stroll about the place. I felt completely zoned out, completely in my own world. As I walked from the Mac all the way to the K-Box upstairs. Just in my own dimension. Seriously, it might sound like damn psycho and shit but I swear it feel good. To just walk about without a care for the world, for the people rushing about their daily obligations. Just keep walking (Quote: Johnnie Walker), keep walking.
In all that walking, I discovered myself again. I don't know how but I just kept walking and walking. Whilst walking, thinking of course. Visiting the primary school J&J, Gabriel, Rafael, Gaston and Norton, Dennis Wijaya days. Plus not forgetting Candice, my first ever crush. Then on to the SPP days. All the bros from servers, soccer, waterbombs, Bras Basah.. And so on so forth till I reached today.
And I realised that the old anti-social Joel ain't that bad after all.
Stare At The Sun
Was reading up earlier about the life of Victor Jara. A very simple story about the life of a man's love for his people and his music. A matyr of liberation and equality. I love this quote from him, 'Screams and silence are the ends to my song'. Which was also quoted by Heaven Shall Burn in their 'The Weapon They Fear' video which is actually pretty cheesey. Just some kids moshing and the band in orange shirts.
Metal + Orange = Metalcore?
Haha, no idea about that part but I wouldnt rate Heaven Shall Burn under the long list of Metalcore bands. They deserve more credit for their music and I must say I am very influenced by the lyricist of Heaven Shall Burn. Very straightforward, raw and blunt lyrics that hits like a hammer. Verse lines like 'Nobody is chosen to suffer, nobody is chosen to' something that I forgot. But really cool lyrics anyway.
I think about Victor Jara's life and I just wish I had half as much of a cause in life as he did. I wish I could do something significant for the better or our society. No, I do not want to be a priest but thanks anyway. It sucks when you just live day to day working, drinking or what not. I need some direction, someone or something to direct all my energy to.
She was a someone I directed my energy to but nonetheless that cause of life is already gone. It's beyond my comprehension, really. The whole situation has gotten to a confusing, self inflicting stage where it really feels like I've lost control over my right hand. And it holds a razor that mercilessly burries it shiny head time and time again and I have no control whatsoever. There is a fear to step forward and engulfing pain if I move backwards.
Been listening to so much non-metal music recently that I actually don't feel that inner angst that I rely on so much to write lyrics, scream whatsoever. I've lost that desire to be angry and to seek justice. I actually just feel like sitting back and watching all the atrocities afflict itself upon others. Perhaps playing metal was just another phase in my life?
A chapter that bends on it's last page? It's like I'm bored of the genre already. Perhaps, it's goodbye to all the rockstar fantasies and headbanging in front of crowds anymore. Perhaps, it's goodbye to metal forever.? Well well, that silly 'Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps' song is stuck in my head now.
Got work later at 6 till 1 later. God damn it, tired as hell. Thank god at least I'm not hungover. Working and having a hangover is a nono, will not try that stupid stunt anymore.
Sometimes, I wish you really knew.
Dallas Green's Sometimes
Just listened to the Dallas Green song that Halim sent me that day. I was completely moved by the very tone of his voice, the simple yet seemingly paramount guitars playing and the lyrics. You guys really should check it out.
Dallas Green's Sometimes(I Wish)
If I was a simple man, Would we still walk hand in hand
And if I suddenly went blind, Would you still look in my eyes
What happens when I grow old
And all my stories have been told
Will your heart still race for me
Or will it march to a new beat
If I was a simple man
If I was a simple man,I'd own no home, I'd own no land
Would you still stand by my side
And would our flame still burn so bright
Sometimes I wonder why,I'm so full of these endless rhymes
About the way I feel inside
I wish I could just get it right
If I was a simple man
And I could make you understand
There'd be no reason to think twice
You'd be my sun; you'd be my light
If I was a simple man
If I was a simple man
Sometimes I wonder why, I'm so full of these endless rhymes
About the way I feel inside
I wish
Sometimes
Drive.
I still hear your voice haunting me, from beyond your shallow demise.
This grey oak feels your touch, lingering over the senses.
I breathe you in only to watch it all disappear.
A guilty conscience that begs to differ.
Watching this old world pass me by, day after day.
Reeling, from this muddy disgust and the choices you made.
Feeling, a word long lost in my time and mistakes.
Yet so much of desire begs me to embrace you, maybe just once.
Shadowy figures encircle me.
What can I do? After all swift be no tree.
They raise their machines.
What can I do? Violence has never been endowed upon me.
Distance floods my mind as I watched my terrors pass me by.
A certain longing for a home in you that I never had.
This evil plague has worn me down, worn my soul out.
What can I do? Malice be not my cult.
Just longing again for you.
ignoring me
I watched you ponder away into deep dark thoughts. I watched you wonder into meaningless conversation with others. I watched you walk away. I watched your every step, just like I always had. Away from me.
11/06
What a day, could't sleep since getting back from work yesterday. Just couldn't fall into that dreamlike sequence. Keep tossing, turning and thinking for most of the time. Got so pissed that I went out for breakfast with my Dad. Thank god, he was nice enough to accompany me.
Work today was fun. Tiring as hell but fun. started at about 5.30 and ended at 3. Sorry for all the St Micheal's peeps for pangsehing you guys. Really! I had work! Would love to meet up again soon. :) There was this dude, really Indian type. The 'Verrreh are you now?'(Where are you now) type. He said "Doot, you've been a great help to us. This is for you." And he whipped out a whooping 20 bucks! Great day great day. Then it was finding about half a pack of Dunhill Lights. Very gladly shared it with Josy and Des who I must say I would have died shifting makeshift tables and chairs about if not for. Then Ewan bought the crew drinks! Cool day, everybody was pretty pleased. Downside of the day? Washing about 300 plates. All by my fucking self. Dish washing is so fucking 'monotonous' I swear. I actually nearly dozed off halfway around 150! I counted lah, so I could brag.
Cheers to Grace and Jeff! The very happy married couple, who are very very good drinkers. Imagine this, about 5 glasses of champagne, loads of beer, loads of wine. And still sober. While the rest of their friends are vomitting around the place.
Sometimes I think I should be the one behind the wheel.
Fighting Myself
You wouldn't believe me if I had told you that today I sat on the edge of my very sanity and wanted to jump down. You wouldn't smile if I told you I cared so much about you. You wouldn't try to remember me the way I would want you to. I sat there, never flinching, never fearing. I stood motionless in hours, running beside myself in my thoughts. Never looking back, just running forward. Possibly leaning forward, taking breath by breath, inching forward inch by inch.
Words possesed me. DENIAL, IMPOSSIBLE, DISGUST, INCOMPATIBLE, DISLIKE, FRIENDSHIP.
Words possesed me, just like yours. Every single drip of care I lap up, every single glimmer of hope I hold on to. Holding on to my very sanity that I left behind for another a long time ago. Another that held my heart dear and my head in her arms.
I wish I saw my funeral. The people grieving, the tears a flowing, my mother just once more in unity in grief nonetheless with my father, friends that knew me, lovers that hated me, brothers and sisters I never had and you to scorn me. For just one tiny bit of your emotion, of your time, of your concern. That's all I ever wanted to keep with me. Neverending in memories, precious as memories are all I would have left. No more fear, no more desire, no more failure just memoirs of a fufilling life that knew no true remorse.
A life that knew no fear, no consequence, only desire of a love that would bring me higher. A life of wasted tears, a life of rainbows that shone on me everyday, a life that will remind others of nonchalence is sometimes the only way to get yourself through the day. A life that remind people of rebeling against conformatism, pragmatism and what people call responsibility and duty. A life that reminded others of love and care, happiness, smiles and concern. A life that lived for LIFE.
There is a house I belong to for another day, a house I must visit just once more. Where as a child, I knew no freedom, no past failure and only success. Where as a child, I remember my best friend that beckons me from beyond this pathetic life.Where as a child, I learnt how to be free. Where as a child, I never had to see. Pain, Hate, Separation or Despair.
Where I always blindfolded, walked through this life. Rumaging through humanity's darkest best kept secrets. Dying over and over again. Immortal in this endless parade of false beliefs and false security. Tripping over and over again, mistake after mistake. Learning it all the hard way. Learning it in all the ways I never had to. Lest I ever questioned and believed.
I questioned but I never believed. I questioned and I thought. I thought and I lost a bit of myself to this unappreciative world that will end by our own hands.
And when all I had was you to believe in. Our saviour born child of humanity, the last remaining civilised being, the one who thought and saw through the mind's eye. And anguish paralysed me, I could only weep. Endlessly for hours in a desperate plea for comfort. In a bottomless pit of self torture, I wept for somebody to reach out to me and pull me out. I wept and I wept.
To a silence that suffocated all I had left to breath to.
-Fighting Myself
DENIED
I only have one recovery method from this kinda bullshit. Only one way to avenge my pride and still keep everybody smiling. Plain aggression and hate. After all I AM a arrogant bastard. :)
Okay, I don't hate you. I just hate myself for you being so fantastic.
Cookie!
Penang is coming!
Mayhem Massacre is here!
FUCK!!
tncoa
Working sucks. Tired, sleepy, hungover, hungry, irritated and wanting to die!
Man Must Die wrote to us! HAIL!
Many cheers to Lun! All the horniest luck to Lun before he goes to NS! Fucking stoned after the two going away parties. Tequila, beers and more beer!
Zong is in NZ, Lun is NS-ing, Dwayne is seeing psychiatrists.
What's going on!
EMOEMO
Can't help but just feel so totally down these couple of days. Don't know why it's affecting me so badly but I will not deny that I am affected by you and what you're doing to me. I'm going crazy man. I can't stop thinking about you about us about if there's a future that we belong to.
It can't be that simple. It can't be that easy for you. It can't be that truthful, you can't be that cruel. Or do you not see?
Put your heart in my hands. You will be safe here.
6/6/6
Tomorrow is 06/06/06! Haha, satanic/metalheads/tr00/kvlt people's day! Sadly, guess what I'm gonna be doing. WORKING. Wowweezers! So fun! NBCB.
Spent yesterday bumming around Tampines with Aggy. From the kopitiam opposite Tampines Police Station, to walking from SHS to school to here and there. Wah lao, I swear that stretch of road is really like memory lane for my secondary school days can! From daily $1 chicken rice with TCP and gang to 842D to TCP homeground to here and there. I swear if Reuben, Leslie, Isaac and Maniam came along, I would have cried! Bummed all around TM with the auntie, I actually sat on one of those spinning seat things at the TM playgound. My god, it is fucking seh'ing lah! And I can't believe it was built for kids. Coincidentally Aggy saw a hamock like thing and without logic. I suppose it was meant for the seh'ed kids after all the horrendous spinning.
Saw Isaac with his church friends and all. Guess he paiseh of me and my tattoo so he scooted off after a couple of quick hellos and how are you doing. Haha, who can blame him? Church people always assume too much. Then I met Prem Kumar! Stickman. Turns out he dropped out of SHS. Aww well, I really do miss SHSS. Volleyball trainings, Auntie Alice, Mr Ng, Ms Ong, Mr Lee and TCP. Damn, it was one hell of a ride.
Oh ya! MASSECRATION's myspace is done up! No music samples though. Nothing much but it's a start.
www.myspace.com/massecrationGo check it out!
Now I'm confused.
I don't know which way to go. Which song to sing, which smile to bring.I get nervous and wood breaks me down.Falling endlessly all I can do is grin.I stumble to my knees, right before Cupid.
I don't believe in your dignity, I scream.
He smiles and flutters away into the midnight air.
Where I pine for her to realise, to understand.
after MOS
Okay, this is why I never go clubbing anymore. I don't enjoy dancing. I don't feel the drumbeat and let the music take my body. I don't really enjoy myself clubbing because I like to get drunk and at clubs, it's impossible for me financially to get that high. However, I like getting grinds and dirty dirty dirty dancing. What can I say, I'm a 100% straight, hot blooded dude.
Haha, enough of the confession. Went to MOS with Timbre crew last night to sorta end of Rossalyn's birthday celebration. Desmond, Irene, JV, Rossalyn and Jean( A Timbre regular). I must say things got pretty weird between me and Jean and I honestly doubt ever looking her straight in the eye again. But I'll try to lah. Haha, it was fun though. HEE.
Penang distances itself one more time with our drummer injuring his kneecap.
On your knees motherfuckers! And pray!
