Little Twerp.
I'm actually dedicating a portion of my concentration and energy to writing a hate entry on personifying a little twerp like creature. I can't believe that my all loving soul has a spot of hate inside of me to churn out vicious thoughts and malicious intentions to hurt this person emotionally. Oh well, I hope I don't get too good at this.
Well, twerp. I'm not going to be one to watch you if you fall along behind so start running faster, yes? Catch up Senor? Si? Si. You are a trampled disgraced of what has been known of friend. You have walked over my head and others like Jesus walking on fucking water. You have pushed my patience to all new highs and I guess little bitch, this is where I put my book down and smack you right across the table. I will not subcumb to any of your infantlike whining or behaviour anymore. Not everyone will treat you like your mother, with the patience and love that only someone who has gone through 9 months in labor to regurgitate your living breathing shell can give. I apologise for the rude languange, no, maybe I don't. You know I'm referring to don't you? You're the friend abusing little bitch who starts stepping on all of her friend's heads. Oh yes, there, there, hiding in your pathetic little excuse for a shadow. You stick out like a sore thumb, like a sore cactus, all right?
Yes, we used to be friends. I'm sure of that, emphasis on the past tense. I'm not one to pick up those who fall(well, not all. Just you in this one.), if you're too fucking stupid to piss me off and all then stay on the ground. Stand up and I will see that you will hit the ground again(You being a little female twerp will not be physically harmed by me, I will humiliate you and bury you beneath my feet.) and that you will stay down when my eyes roam your gaze.
I am a crazy, emo, bastard(Yes, can't believe it? Well, is this big enough a clue dumbfuck?), great. Well, with all due respect. You are a crazed, psychotic, lying, self-repulsive, physical disaster of a homo sapien(that's what we're called scientifically, darling.). If you actually started thinking about living life and actually coexisting with others, we would not derive at this conclusion.
So, you deleted me from MSN? Well, fucking thanks. That's about the best thing you've ever done for me. It was a favour that you should have done actually, from the start. Do you seriously not know how fucking repulsive and in denial you are? Little 17 year old twerp? Do you not know who the fuck you are? Do you not?
And if I for one second think about what we did in the past, I would dismember my fingers and bury them under the ground. Jesus, you actually took my hand and held it? Jesus fucking christ fucking mary sally wally and annie, the audacity. Well, if it's any help identifying yourself again(I'm dropping too many clues, almost intentionally but not entirely, yeah.). You took your O levels this year 2006? While all of us your 'friends'(It could just be me.) were trying to push you to work harder, what the fuck did you do? How did you respond? Well, little baby you wanna suck on something? Take your thumb out and stuff your naive beliefs in. Fuck you and shut your fucking fanny trap. Take your fat bitch's ass downtown and sell your goods, smack that right up. Oh not your ass, silly. Smack that fucking excuse for something you look in the mirror in. Smack that, oh wait. Do you get me? Hit yourself and hopefully you will knock yourself out. For the few 4 hours, 4 hours of pure bliss. It would be the best of your life, the best, I promise. Oh yes, I'm getting all high on my anger now.
You will never ever, walk into my eyes as a friend. Don't you ever fucking try to contact me again, don't you ever fucking try to apologise, don't you ever fucking try to let me hear you bitching about me behind my back. You will incinerate in the ashes of www.theblogcalledit.blogspot.com and every internet profile I can make, I'm talking friendster and myspace and SOFT.com.sg and sgcafe and whatever websites you haunt. I will consolidate my anger and give it all to you if you even try to piss me off again.
Well, did you expect quote crazy emo bastard unquote to fucking cry and sit back? Well, I would have but you've pushed me too much. If it isn't good enough that I'm depressed and that I snapped then fine. You had to push me, you just had to. Look at my fucking msn nick. It reads, what does it feel like to die tonight, what does it feel to be the only one that's feeling alive. Do I sound like I'm in the mood for sarcastic snide remarks? Do I, really? Let me tell you something, I haven't slept for about 2 nights consistently. I have been a quote crazy emo bastard unquote. Well, since you can fucking read and type. Does that really mean I'm in the mood for your shit? Look, tell you what. Turn around, yes turn around.Stand on top of your table, and jump. If you jump continously from your table to your bedroom floor for like close to a thousand times. You might understand what I'm trying to say. Suck on that, bitch. No wait, I meant tranny. Gee, I'm evil.
Well, itsy bitsy spider spun it's little web and you're stuck in it. Get the fuck out of my life you indignant piece of trash.
Thank you.
Thank you for making me feel ever more alive than before I met you. Thank you for the perfect nights, for your time. Thank you for filling my veins with dreams of a future, for hope is what keeps us all going. Thank you for forever, thank you for being so demure and alluring. Thank you for not just saying no straight to my face, thank you. Lastly, thank you for taking care of yourself in the future. Please.
I have great pals. I called Sylvia about my decaying plight and she reacts like a fireman. She calls Jon and Andrew down to accompany me. I don't know what would have happened if they did not come to meet me. I was on a high so badly I didn't even feel my legs. The cough syrup hit me like a bomb, the effects are still lingering. Never really leaving, just like me. Never really leaving. Thanks guys, for the concern, love and for watching over me, Thank you.
I watched my empire crumble before me, on my golden throne of immortality. It was so beautiful, the way you pillaged and rode away in the shimmer of moon light.
A verse from Copeland's Brightest.
If you find yourself here on my way of town, I pray that you would come to my door.
And talk to me like we don't know what we ever fought about, because I don't remember anymore.
I just know that warms my heart and knows what all my imperfections are.
And she said I was the brightest little firefly in her jar.
Goodbye, hope still surges through my veins.
Dusk And Summer
Dashboard Confessional - Dusk And Summer
She smiled in a big way
The way a girl like that smiles
When the world is hers And she held your eyes
Out in the breezeway down by the shore
In the lazy summer
And she pulled you in
And she bit your lip
And she made you hers
She looked deep into you as you lay together
Quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer
But youve already lost
But youve already lost
But youve already lost
When you only had barely enough to hang on
And she combed your hair
And she kissed your teeth
And she made you better than youd been before
And she told you bad things you wished you could change
In the lazy summer
And she told you laughing down to her core
So she would not cry
And she lay in your lap as she said
Nobody here can live forever
Quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer
But youve already lost
But youve already lost
But youve already lost
When you only had barely enough to hang on
She said No one is alone the way you are alone
And you held her looser than you would’ve if you ever couldve known
Some things tie your life together
With slender threads of things to treasure
Days like that should last and last and last
But youve already lost
But youve already lost
But youve already lost
When you only have barely enough of her to hang on
Hang on
Hang on
Hang on
Hit me.
My counselor/therapist/conduct officer told me that I should write more to express myself and emotions, rather than bottling it all up like a psyched stillborn. I don't know what else to do anymore. I didn't mean to take up after some sneaky bastard who uses such cheap methods to get your attention. I apologise again.
I have been through a pretty crazy night, it was heavenly and perfect. I have been through enough in that one night to construct an entire novel out of it. It has the tragic ending, the rejection, the mutilation and the cry your eyes out parts.
I'm on my way to author-dom. I won't be posting it up here, it feels a tad naked to do something like that. However, I'll send to the respective involved and of course to the special people. Thank you for your concern, I'm good.
I feel like a punching bag.
What's forever, what's absolute, what's tomorrow that will be from today. Believe it or not, we were for a day. We were untouchable, we were divine, we were whole for one night. We didn't feel the emptiness that everyday life brings, I was there for you and you were there for me. I starred deep into those eyes from the prying world and I gazed into a world. A world just like mine.
Nothing's forever, nothing will be absolute. There is no next year from this year but there is what we shared. Not forever, but it is absolute for as long as you want it know. The fairytale will continue and I will take the writing pen, you can end your share of it all. You can leave it all behind, just don't ignore me. Please, don't ignore me.
Heaven is here and you know it.
Grasping.
I thank you for being so understanding. I'd hate to just leave things on such a flimsy note but you have to know that we both have issues that we must solve through our own means first. It's hard for me to just drop things like that even in my situation. I've never been a vindictive person and you know me as well. I thank you for being so thoughtful and that maybe someday. After all the hurting's over, we can meet up and talk about old times. :)
I sat myself upright, my chair facing the window, spewing in cold rainy blasts. I sat there montionless, so tranquil with the rain splashing on my face in sober awareness. I almost felt like I'd been transported to Australia. Like it was those cold, shivering mornings where I would brave the chill in my pajamas for an early morning smoke. Usually, Ann would be there. We'd exchange greetings and a smile. Talk about the day or rather days to come and so on. She's the elite few of the group I call old people, that truly charm me. Then, I'd return into my mom's dorm room. Shivering, warmed by the glow of her early morning smile and coffee. She's made breakfast, usually cereal with milk and a dab of yoghurt. I'd sit there attentively, watching like a puppy watching his master's every action in loyal admirative gaze. We'd then eat, usually I'd be the only one eating. Apparently, Mom's never the breakfast person, She'd have her coffee. We'd watch the morning telly, usually the news. In Singapore, I'd never bother. But over in Sydney, I followed every article religiously like a pious follower in search of enlightenment. I'd then wash up. The strangest thing about taking a bath in that kinda of weather, is that no matter how hot the water is, it always feels superbly good and also that once you step out of the bathing cubicle, you start to freeze almost immediately.
We'd then change, get ready to head out. I'd usually be smoking again, waiting for Mom to put on vanity's wonder powder and such. We'd step out, occasionally meeting Ben, the landlord. Brief greetings and exchanges about the weather and about life back in Singapore. We'd walk out, very comfortably. Comfortable, the very meaning mesmerizes me into a trance like state. That's how I feel whenever I'm with my Mom. Comfortable, secure and most of all, at peace. We'd walk against the glare of the afternoon sun, talking about art, philosophy, religion, the past, the hopeful present, the life we once shared. We'd be so comfortable talking that it would almost feel like we were locked in maternal embrace but we were just walking side by side. It felt and feels so real, that feeling of security and love.
We'd fall out of it once in awhile. I can be a very spoilt baby at times, always quick to err and complicate issues with my instinctive pride. But we'd always fall get through it by the end of the day. We have a, argue before the day is over policy that I have never quite lost grasp of.
I miss my Mom so much, I hurt inside without knowing. I ache so badly, I actually feel my heart break. I'd swear over and over never to betray her trust but yet again, I find myself contradicting my former words of brave filial respect.
I bought a $200 bag today. It's some Manhattan Portage bag, I feel horrible. I feel like shit, retail therapy does not work for me. I'm sorry Mom, I should've known. I'm so sorry, I never learn. Thank you for never leaving me to wallow alone, I miss you so much and I'd give anything in the world right now to just go over there and spend one last meal with you. The one that I missed on the day you left, the lunch that kills me inside everytime I think about it. I'm missing you.
Oh sweet lungs, don't fail me now.
Hybrid Rebellion.
Here's the most recent accidental snap of the night(Or Morning) after Rudy's Christmas Gathering, decided to walk a couple of bus-stops to get all the many thoughts out and letting them battle each other in a Contender series of thoughts and something I snapped long long ago on the set of "The Light Year's" at Sentosa.
So I got up really early today, sleeping for like a couple of hours. I was doing a 2 step dance with woozyness and I decided to just get the fuck up and do something. So here I am.
Copeland's 'accquiring process' is finished, Malevolent Creation's 'accquiring process' is also about up.(Quote, Unquote Jon Yang x1000000).
Apparently, my little primary 5 cousin typed in joel heng sheng dao in google and found my blog. Not too sure if it's this one. If it is, well helloo Cherise and Nicole. You people are too shy of me, I'm nice big and friendly. Like the BFG, in a fat way of course.
I haven't dealt with reality that she's in a faraway land, shivering in the cold, eating breakfast with Caleb right now. Partially, she's still staying at Toa Payoh at her friend's. Partially, she's somewhere right around the corner for me to run to.
Oh gee, I am a fucking baby am I not?
Here's the most recent accidental snap of the night(Or Morning) after Rudy's Christmas Gathering, decided to walk a couple of bus-stops to get all the many thoughts out and letting them battle each other in a Contender series of thoughts.
I swear you bring the tears, the laughter, the pain and the joy.
I really really wish I could be somewhere else.
Deflated.
I feel defeated today. I don't have that sense of male pride and machoism in me anymore. I feel greyishly empty in a world of bright neon lights and white flashes. Even the crowd over at Loyang Point(The very heartlander shopping mall near my place) seems to be in higher spirits. I have a reached a certain low, not a low caused by petty little squabbles. I feel a low like I've probably never felt, it feels like a deflated rubber ball, thrown away to squander meaningless time in unsavoury abandonment.
Yes, I feel like my mom has abandoned me. For her dreams and what not, I deserve it anyway. I was the horrible teenager that drove her to Sydney. I feel so sorry inside I would do anything to turn back time and just live life back in that old dirty rented flat in Tampines. Just my mom, grandma and me. I would gladly give up my tattoo and earlobes just to relive those happy days. Happy as I proclaim it but Lord knows how much I screwed up everyone's life in that scrubby apartment. I wish I hadn't left, I wish I always kept my cool and struggled onward with my Mom. I wish I could sleep in my Mom's lap like I used to while watching tv.
You guys know? My Mom has always supported everything I've done. Every damn wrong thing other Mothers would label as the habits of a ahbeng or some satanic motherfucker. She never forbade me to explore my own interests. Like body modification. Every modification she was there with me, fetching me a cup of warm and specially diluted soup when my tongue was sore or getting me iron tablets or forcing 6mm plugs down a 4mm ear hole. She never told me no or that I was a disgrace. My Mom has always been proud of everything I've done. From pursuing my career in film to helping me get the actual contacts. Now that I think about it, she has always been the one who's pushing me from behind everytime I want to drop everything to the floor and scoot away.
And now, she's gone for another year. All I have left with her the moment she walked out of sight from the airport entry gate is overseas calls and messages. Fuck life. It is cruel beyond any form of mutilation and I can't say I love it at the moment. The only people that keep me alive are rapidly decreasing by the number and I am going to be the sole survior in a land of flesh eating bacterial vermin in no time.
I feel defeated. Lost to some alter ego of my own, in a tragic battle of wits and physical strength. My chin is too heavy to lift up or turn around anymore. I am defeated.
For now, leave me alone. I just feel like being by myself. Let me wallow in my selt pity and hatred. I will wake up from these masochistic nightmares in a second too soon for my own good.
Sadly, no.
I just came back from MOS and Devil's Bar. In a surge of relentless 18 year old teenage hormones, I walked right through those dark doors. Did I have fun? Well, kinda.
But do I understand what the hype on clubbing is about? Still, not really.
So my guests, that was how my 'illustrious' Christmas Eve was spent. I wish it was more meaningful and special but sadly, no. For a day that once held so much meaning to me, like a mad rampage of festive feel-goodness and a love for a deeper understanding. Sadly, no.
Today marks the first yearly anniversary I first met the group of friends that I call my 'brothers'. I wish I spent the evening with Hakim, the guy is a joy to be around but sadly, no.
I wish I could go to my aunt's house and celebrate christmas with people that I spent so much of my days with in my younger years but sadly, no. I'm the blacksheep in their eyes, the only inheritance to the Heng surname that has turned into a masochistic, drug abusing, alcohol abusing, smoking gangster. My pride turned me backward from your door and like I swore, I will never return into your accusing gaze, not even for a funeral wake. The things you've done to put me and my mother to shame will cost you a forebearance of my hatred inherit. Thank you but sadly, no.
I hope everybody's fine. I miss the church people, I really do. I wish I could go back to SPP and St Mich like a long lost brother that they'd embrace in their arms but sadly, no. I would go back to St Mich's and sit a couple of seats away from the perfect ex-girlfriend and give her a slight smile. But after all that she's done to push me away in return for my ignorance, sadly, no.
I make things complicated. I guess that's what all our lives are for. For the very important task of complicating other people's lives. You see, that's the only way a person grows inside of his conscience and character. I could derive at a million theories at how life is unimportant. I have become a near expert at the subject with my own voice in my head.
Starlight trickles that spread across our ashen sky,
A deeper understanding of our chemistry and I;
fail to grasp your hand in a gaze of heroism.
Hope spreads it's black wings in flight of failure.
Caution, reads the neon signs.
Common sense spirals downward in it's malevolent demise.
I know I shouldn't but I must.
Spread my black wings in flight of failure.
I want to remember this moment, I am reliving that experience again and this is something I never wanna forget.
The feeling of being lost, that constant urge to make a certain decision but never having the willpower to do so. That anxiety, that fear, that loss of confidence.
I feel like I'm 14 again.
Pineapple Thief plays some depressing shit.
I've locked myself in an ignorant depression. A definitive cage of grey oak and damp flooring. It's gotten to me, in my head, in my thoughts and even in my dreams. I lose concentration while reading, drawing or writing. My mind's wrecked into shambles of this one thought and great plan for brighter days that I've lost myself in this imaginative world of self reprise and smiles. When I finally surge out of these maddening contemplations I find myself surrounded by reality and the realisation of the predicaments I have landed myself in. I've turned into a walking nightmare, a far cry from a happier past I used to have. A far cry from the once happy go lucky person I always knew myself to be. This plague is taking it's toll on my health and personal well being.
Few people read this page so you few are entitled to this information. I tried to kill myself today, I put a knife on my wrist with hopeful intentions of bleeding insanely to a numbed painless death but I never got beyond the very thought itself. I thought about things and how I could just make them work out into some sort of formula that everybody seems to have found somehow.
I wish there were things I could tell you that would make you understand me better. But like I've said it's a strange concoction of depressingly happy that I've pranced on and it's probably the only thing that's keeping me alive and well. I feel like a burden, a messy transplant that's was destined to crash and burn or rather, bleed. I feel so helpless and unprotected, so weak and willing to just walk a few more steps to the edge of finding out what goes beyond this pathetic existence. Few make me happier nowadays, I lead a mechanical life that simply pleads with its owner for some sort of bond release. My brain says that life is all worth living and that it will be better tomorrow but my heart simply will not speak again, or rather I think the issue on it going all dumb on me has already been resolved in the most cliche kind of ways.
It's a one way road that I dare not walk further on. It's a depressing illness that eats away at my insides and emotions and life. This is suicide for me, in the only way I can do it. A mental and emotional demise. It's the safest, most beautiful way to end it all.
I just came back from Phuture. My legs are aching like mad and I am totally broke now. Absoutely, broke.
I had fun though, it was a good break from a stagnating declination and the company was fun. It's amazing how people can refer to me as gay. Oh, this post will be short and will hold almost no intellectual value.
I went shopping with Mom earlier. Bought this pair of skinny jeans that I'd be eyeing for ages and another sweater that I wore to Phuture. I wish Mom didn't come back. Now, it's gonna hurt all over again when she leaves once more. I wish I wish, I could be so damn cold and block her out of my life and emotions but when I see her now, I feel once again like the little boy lost in the divorce at age 15.
I just spent my last 10bucks on cigs.
I am thy Royal fucking Broke-ness.
Oh, cockroach in a mug was fun wasn't it? I hope you had as much fun as I had. The clone definitely makes me happy inside, thank you for challenging me intellectually and winning.
I find myself going over it over and over again. My decision has not yet been finalised and this situations begs for some closure.
I felt betrayed, almost to a point of embarassment. Like a hot flush of blood up the face, I was almost sure at that point. Now, questions and pictures from the past urge me to stay in this stinking, reeking filth of a friendship.
There is barely a contribution but yet you run forth toward the prize like it was a hard won battle. Drag us down, the rest are too kind and feeble in their attempts of correction. They are misled in their gaze of friendship, I wish I could too.
You are abusing my patience, you live in a twisted deviation of constant appreciation and the striking neon of this repulsive behaviour is turning me blind to everything we have achieved. I want out so badly just to keep myself pristine from your moral decay.
Not to mention others, but the rest of you people aren't any better as well. The salvaged portion of my patience is slowly turning into a facade and when it will reach a certain standard of hatred for incompetence, that's when I will leave. The group is dying and you know it. I'm here to be the best I can, not to waste time dabbling around. Buck up.
Trust me, this is not my loss.
My thumbs are all red and sore. They have been overworked, pitiful little extensions of my crazed rampage on my baby's PSP. I tell you, being the manager of Liverpool is no joke.
I spared some time for filial relations earlier today. Like a worker bee starved for affection, I basked ever so gratefully in the maternal grace and affection today. I swear, when Mom leaves for Sydney on the 26th this December, I will be broken beyond the measure of meaningless vocabulary. Few people know what it feels like, to have someone leave and not come back till a year. It is beyond the pain of losing someone, the hopeful thoughts drive like nails into my flesh.
Thing's have been okay so far. No big fights with the girlfriend or dad, no worthless conversations. Just issues on loyalty and friendship, or whatever friendship I thought we had. It's weird, really. Why I waste so much of my life expecting things out of people and putting 'Do unto others what ye seek others do unto thee' into action.
I have a hundred bucks for Christmas, I'm taking bets for when the money will finish by. My alter-ego Joel Blythe says, Booze up mates!
I beg for a change in idol worship. Like maybe, Craig Bellamy or something.
Baby, if you must know. Even though it's been a month plus, I still have those damn butterflies in my stomache(According to popular description) everything we are about to meet. I miss you the way boybands write songs, the way my dog loves his basket/humping ball. I miss you more and more each day and separation begs for some closure.
Oh yeah, I am very proudly wearing my I LOVE COFASA tshirt from Mom. Hell yeah, I'm an art junkie, or rather the personification is way cool.
Invitations For Disaster
To a once, close friend and confidante.
I keep hoping you will find yourself, that you will awake from your acid dreams of dependence from him. That you will honestly, know how alluring you are just with your personality alone. That he is going to leave you again, he does not love you whole-heartedly and he is not in his trance-like illusion of fairytale romances.
You've seen what he has done, to you and to her former lovers.
Yet, you don't heed safety's call. You refuse advice, or rather refuse to take them. You keep telling me you're just taking him on a joy ride and that you're not gonna let anything happen between the two of you again. But face it, my friend. You are not strong enough to deny him, you are not strong enough, not even near the mark. And that's probably the one point that makes you so charming in everybody's eyes.
You know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
I'm one who ridicules stupidity, but for you. I'd rather remain silent and sit with you till all your salty tears have run dry. Because I know, that someday it will happen. I still treat you like a sister and no this is not some twisted deviation of friendship turned sour by love. I care for you, as a friend should. I love you, as a friend would.
Please, just walk away while you still can. Don't make mistakes that you have already been cheated by.
Take care pal.
I haven't blogged in aeons, just didn't feel like it. Endless times, I ended up at blogspot's main page but decided yet again not to blog.
How do I put it? It's the same stagnant feeling that I fear the most. Stagnation is probably the one feeling that I am most afraid of, once the stagnation settles in comfortable, I just drone life away. I fear, it already has begun.
The performance went well, very well. 9th December will definitely be something I remember for years to come. It had a form of acid adrenaline rush to got to my throat, nearly inducing vomit and a lot of saliva. It got me so high that if I put my left foot on the floor, it would start shaking like a rumbling engine. I felt like a nightmare of biological physics gone neon and all possessed on me. As usual, I forgot lyrics, did things I wouldn't normally have done and I actually have no recollection of what my voice sounded like at all. I miss performing with monitors infront of me, techno-confidence. Massecration did fairly well that day.
Now that the gig is over, almost instantly, I feel like there's no more to look forward to. Like yesterday for example, I actually went to Scape to watch Saw Loser and Electrico with Jon, Matt, Andrew, Maliq. I mean, the company's fine but I have never done shit like that, in a long time. I ate alot alot that day, like after post-gig-trauma eh.
I find my emotional life spiralling down into a numbness. I'm only afraid when it'll hit the floor.
Post-celebration tears.
It feels so strange, like an afterparty flicker. With the end of this week, Hakim goes in for NS. The whole group will probably not be the same in the meantime. I wish him safety and luck.
I don't know how to put this feeling into words, somehow this time I just can't. It's a strange equation of fear, anxiety and self-pity. I know what I should do but taking that one step leaves me longing for another, which will not come. I know how I should feel but, somethings just need time I guess.
I am a mechanical structure of complex machinery and electronical functions. I am a post-modern design, a call for vintage sentimentals, a bridge to where you were and where you could have been. I feel traumatised in my happy bubble of protection.
